Bad Science

Total fears robbery of escaped gas 
Total Announce Toll On Illegally Inhaled Gas From Elgin Field

Less than twenty four hours after Total warned of a dangerous gas leak from it's Elgin platform in the North Sea the company have announced  a radical toll scheme for anyone found illegally inhaling their products threatening these individuals with court proceedings if they fail to comply.

The 200 mile wide cloud of butane will shorty be reaching the coast of East Scotland and Total employees have been put on high alert in readiness to monitor members of the public who they suspect of stealing their gas. It is thought that by Thursday 28th March citizens of Aberdeen and Dundee could be forced to set fire to their farts in the street by company spokes personnel who could demand on the spot fines for people with a level of butane in their flatulence that was regarded as 'unnatural.'

Donald McDonald from Total's revenue reclaiming department said, 'These measures are being put in place for the good of the Scottish people ashore. Without these safe guards many might be influenced to steal as much of our escaped gas as they can and run home to put it on their fires. This simply cannot be allowed to happen.  If the inhabitants of the East coast of Scotland don't want to get caught in the street with their trousers down, so to speak, by unwittingly breathing in and therefore stealing from our company then they can simply send £99.99 and a stamped addressed envelope to Total UK division 1 Mayfair, London, to receive one of our special company gas masks. Purchasers of these products should allow up to 28 days for delivery and until that time it would be advisable to breath into a plastic bag to avoid prosecution. Plastic bags can be bought from Total petrol stations located in the area.'

Desmond Specker, MP for Dundee East said, 'Having old ladies forced to queue up while they wait to have their farts set on fire in the streets is a small price to pay for protecting local jobs.' He carried on, 'Total company executives have ensured me that only 40% of the people tested for over inhalation of stolen gas will have to do so without the privacy of a cubicle. The rest can be assured that their farts are not calibrated in public.' Mr Specker pointed out that this procedure would only have to be regularly carried out for the next six months then everything would go back to normal with a small 27% rise in local council tax to pay for health and safety initiatives that will take place during the incident, such as the procurement of signs which read, 'Danger Do Not Breath' and 'Gas Hazard.'