Westminster Village/ Hall

Most mentally disadvantaged people in the nation's capital, and surrounding home counties
Westminster Doors Wide Open To Vulnerable Dead Beats

After years of intensive lobbying by concerned ministers the doors of Westminster have been opened to welcome some of London's most vulnerable dead-beats and skivers. Government officials supporting themselves proudly announced that, owing to their new changes, the cosy benches and central heating of the Houses of Commons will now be opened, not only 24 hours during the present cold snap, but all year round to some of the 'most mentally disadvantaged people in the nation's capital, and surrounding home counties.'

John Bercow, Speaker of the House who personally backed the scheme, which set a minimum eligibility of £300 per day personal income, soporifically sighed, 'Many of the individuals earmarked for the latest all-year round scheme have home problems, usually caused by 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriage breakups which were caused after affairs with any number of their servants, colleges and other family members. Of course, most of them also have serious anti-social issues as well as substance abuse problems so they are basically as frail as frozen twigs on a cold winter's night and would probably just snap in half if they mistakenly wondered outside for ten minutes without a scarf. That's why I personally welcome these new plans. And let me just say; I strongly believe this is another indication of the new warming wind of real political change blowing along the corridor's of government and out its wide open doors - so to speak. The scheme will also provide these decrepit parasites, some of whom I know personally, more than a part-time crash pad, but a real home and platform from which they can attempt, once and for all, to never get off the hackneyed cycle of state handouts and back into proper full-time employment. By the way, I also fully support the government's minimum personal £300 daily wage limit. If we let everyone in who earned less that than, and God forbid the proper poor people outside, there would be no where to put our feet up will we had a good snooze. '

The move has also been welcomed by a group of MP's operating under the acronym TRAMPS; Torpid Rat Arsed Ministers for Parliament, and a representative for the group, who was not sound asleep at the time, had a good old stretch and yawned, 'We are all very happy with the government's... er... let me see... what's this all about?... ah yes... decision. You see, old boy, when we're passing new austerity legislation, like cutting low income benefits for the unemployed and disabled, or banning food banks and slashing budgets for homeless shelters, quite frankly its all terribly boring - poor people this - housing crisis that - someone-else-has-just-died-around-the-corner-because-they-didn't have-£20-quid. Good Lord. It never ends. Well, I certainly can't sleep in the car on the way home back to Surrey, or my second home in Berkshire, not the way my chauffeur drives anyway, and definitely not the way my second wife behaves after discovering my third affair with my brother-in-laws old cleaner. Usually, I'm up all night playing poker and watching porn so, by the time I get back to the House of Commons at half past twelve o'stupid-a-clock the next day I'm half knackered already and not much good for anything. So it [The Houses of Commons] is naturally the best place to get a bit of shut eye. Oh yes. That's right, old boy: £300 -plus expenses- while I get a good rest in the warm when it's freezing outside. Then piss off at 2:00 back down the pub for a slap up meal and a few pints.'

When the TRAMPS representative was asked if the people of the country would rather MP's didn't openly sleep at work like a torpid rat-arsed Muppets! whilst occasionally waking up to shout incoherently or tell us all to get on with austerity, it was already too late and he had dropped off once again to dream about playing cards and masturbating.

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Westminster Village/ People

Historical proof. 'Brother' Corbyn and Stalin's Communist Pact
Discovered! Corbyn And Stalin's Pact To Overthrow Churchill 

A secret pact between Jeremy Corbyn and Joseph Stalin to overthrow Winston Churchill in 1941 and turn the UK into a totalitarian communist state has been discovered by a group of media barons. The new historical documents prove once and for all -so let's have no more arguments after this- that the shadow cabinet leader is not, in fact, a mild-mannered, left-wing, professional politician simply going about his business but instead a fanatical, communist terrorist determined to destroy our country and bring down western civilization in the flames of his international Trotskyite revolution. The billionaire media barons, who coincidentally risk potentially losing millions if Mr Corbyn is elected, stated that they needed to protect their source's identity but had stayed up 'half the night' bribing the necessary officials and 'filling Wikipedia with the appropriate nonsense' to back up their claims.

Within the documents we discover that, although still only a child, by 1941 Corbyn was already a radical Marxist and met Stalin to hatch out his evil plans for world socialist domination during a family summer holiday spent in Soviet USSR. Apparently, after Corbyn and Stalin's overthrow of the UK they planned to demand Churchill, along with his entire government and the royal family, work as humiliated toilet attendants on Brighton beach and that the vaults of the Bank of England be shared out amongst their greedy Bolshevik revolutionary stooges to support their insatiable gambling, drinking, sex and drug habits. Other details describe how Corbyn: the child communist, sent thousands of his fellow Trotskyites to the gulag for laughing at his shorts and often demanded the contents of his mother's handbag be confiscated for his self-serving Leninist collective to buy sweets, or 'сладости' in brother Corbyn's demented communist tongue.

Mr Corbyn's suspicious refusal to reply to several Tweets alleging this 'Stalin Pact' proves, once again, his definite involvement with this evil communist plot. When will people finally pay attention to these allegations and stop this dangerous anti-capitalist before it is too late and he is elected? Who knows? One thing is certain; Jeremy Corbyn obviously represents a very real threat to billionaire media barons everywhere and there is no more proof necessary than this constant, and ludicrous, muck-spreading.

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Deady Sales

Colonel Sanders: still plenty of buckets
KFC Customers Don't Count Their Chickens

Diabetes sufferers, school children, drug dealers and fat bastards all over the UK gritted their canines this morning in preparation for another day without their favourite 'not fast enough' dead animal dish; KFC fried chicken. KFC recently changed their haulage company to new smart logistics providers DHL who apparently thought the man on the phone said 'Mittens' instead of 'Chickens' and now half of London is threatening to riot over the shortage.

Representatives of the Advertising Standards Society (ASS) waded into the affray ordering all KFC branches that have not been burnt down by angry fried chicken addicts to remove the 'C' in their famous logo if they are no longer selling 'chicken'. It was subsequently pointed out, to the same ASS officials, that the chicken is not actually fried in Kentucky either, which has prompted a further investigation into whether the company should also remove the 'K'. Despite ASS's involvement, leading brand experts promoted the idea that simply rearranging the existing letters and adding a 'U', 'E' and 'D' would be more 'culture savvy'.

An agitated 107 year-old Colonel Sanders attended a press conference at his US ranch stating that he deplored the 'chicken riots' that were, no doubt, about to 'engulf your country' and promised that, whatever happened, he would fight to keep the all-important 'F' in his famous logo. He reassured UK  chicken addicts that, although his popular franchises no longer had their central product i.e. 'chicken', they would continue to sell fried potatoes- hand raised on his own ranch, fried cheese - made from bursting boils on the slaughtered chicken carcasses, fried popcorn - you don't want to know, fried fries - like fried potatoes but each one hand-crafted by a highly-trained KFC employee, salt - in new '40% paper' packets, Coke - The Real Thing TM and plenty of empty buckets.

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World Bollotics

Hate infiltrators cause KKK meltdown 
Mass SPLC Infiltration Forces KKK Meltdown

White supremacist organisation the Klu Klux Klan has been officially forced to close down after it emerged that its entire dwindling 16,213 membership were, in fact, all infiltrators from either the SPLC (Southern Poverty Law Center), the CIA, the NSA, the ATF, the FBI, and a raft of other US federal law enforcement agencies hellbent on seeking out hatred. The meltdown occurred last week at the Klan's AGM when the secretive leader was addressing his fellow clansmen and a freak breeze blew off his pointy hat revealing him to be, in actuality, SPLC Director Morris Dees. The surprise defrocking caused a well-natured chain reaction in which the congregation steadily unmasked as they realised what had happened amidst shouts of, 'OMG!' 'WTF!' and 'Would you believe it?'

Mr Dees has since commented on the revelations stating, 'That was an eye-opener for sure. Or in this case maybe a slit widener. As everyone knows, seeking out hatred and possessing the ability to see hatred everywhere, whether it exists or not, is the only necessary attribute for a modern social justice warrior. Let's face it, the SPLC could not exist in what I call a hatred vacuum and our politicians and backers need a perceived functioning polarized dialectic to introduce new illogical legislation and further schism society. To put it bluntly, I wouldn't have a job chasing hatred unless I could prove that half the country was full of it, hatred that is, which required my immediately identification and destruction. Unfortunately, on this occasion all the hate we could see was ourselves pretending to hate ourselves; like a 'hate chamber.' - if you see what I mean? Still, it was nice to see old friends and colleagues who I haven't bumped into for ages. That's why we are planning to meet up again; same place, same time, next year. Hats off to the KKK for bringing us all together.'

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SPLC Selling Hate

The Southern Poverty Law Center scam.


KKK Series — FBI


“[W]e infiltrated the Klan in many ways. We had female informants. … And we had police officers that were informants for us.” “When you look back, the FBI can be proud that they stopped the violence [of the KKK]. We had the convictions. We did what we had to do from Selma, Alabama to Jackson, Mississippi to Atlanta, ...

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Can Assange escape unlike Galileo who died under house arrest? 
Assange, Wikileaks, Galileo's Telescope And The New Irrational Religion

Galileo Galilee's heroic, but nevertheless, tragic battle against the church over his right to speak the truth, as observed through his telescope  [i.e. the heliocentric solar system], has been celebrated by generations of scientists, professors, teachers, philosophers, atheists, intellectuals, revolutionaries, visionaries, free-thinkers and proponents of established Western culture alike to promote the advantages of a modern rational society freed from the absurd religious dogma of a bygone age. However, recent events involving Julian Assange indicate that, with regard to heresy, little has changed in the civilised west in over 500 years and the current presiding despotic empire still persecutes non-believers with as much original savagery as its lunatic contemporaries could ever muster.

It is crucial that we see Julian Assange's incarceration inside London's Ecuadorian Embassy and the 17th century polymath's house arrest, from which he never escaped and died there at the age of 77, as not only analogous but exactly the same. Only historical and societal nuances differ. The charge of 'blasphemer' in the age of irrationalism was no different from that of 'conspiracy theorist' in this, the age of rationalism, wherein modern political 'thinking' is simply re-branded dogmatic religion and, as such, Mr Assange's imprisoners should be given no more credence than their backward medieval counterparts. Power structures have always struggled to keep their secrets secret as society's technology evolves and, in this way, Wikileaks is no different from Galileo's telescope; merely a mechanism for those whom allow themselves to seek the truth to do so and thus become heretics themselves.

The concept of a which hunt has never changed and will continue to persist as long as there are those who seek to demonize their opponents in order to remove them from problematic political discourse. Might maybe right but diplomacy, or nowadays public relations, ensures propaganda remains the weapon of choice within the postmodern political armoury. Although orders for detention and arrest now come by email instead of parchment, they still come from a cabal of primitive tribal elders and, though these individuals may no longer feel the need to wear ridiculous 3 ft high hats reminding everyone of their immutable 'Godlike' importance, they still attire themselves in whatever conspicuously tribal pomp is necessary to ingratiate themselves to fellow cultists. No doubt, as in Mr Assange's case, spurious rape allegations, or their historical equivalent, would have been trumped up against Mr Galilee had he not acquiesced to the demands of Pope Paul V. The US empire's perverted and far-reaching power is no different from that wielded by the Vatican 500 years ago and, importantly, its endless wars, rapacious desire for world power, sickening witch hunts and boundless hypocrisies, no less a threat to world civilization evolving along the lines of justice and rationality. One can only hope, that unlike Galileo, Mr Assange somehow escapes the clutches of this tyrannous empire, the same tyrannous empire that currently blights our own lives and the lives of millions of others who do not share its brutal beliefs. Then perhaps society will not repeat one of its most lamentable crimes and, in the process, commit us all back half a millennium to a dark world of irrationalism and enslavement to religiously-enforced political dogma.

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World Bollotics

Trump and Morgan: Like a pair of stray dogs in the park
Trump And Morgan Get On Like Your House On Fire

The world's media held its breath last week as the two men on the planet with the least discernible intellect; Donald Trump and Piers Morgan, inevitably came together like two stray dogs in the park to deliver the long-expected arse-sniffing session of the decade. Media pundits were not dissatisfied as the buttock-licking action was such that, after the interview, a cast for a bust of Piers Morgan was taken from the imprint he left in Trump's backside before the Leader of The Free World was rushed to hospital to have reconstructive surgery on his sphincter and to have splinters of Morgan's tongue removed from his colon.

Details of the interview itself are sketchy at best as the toe-curling embarrassment induced by the men was such that anyone witnessing more than a thirty second segment had a mental relapse before passing out and coming around non-the-wiser. Fortunately, a robot was used to interpret the dialogue and, sure enough; the 'Q&A' session between the international cock-wombles produced some of the worst fawning sycophancy yet to be witnessed by humanity.

Professor Robin Acies PhD, Head of Political Psychology at Brentwood College, gave us his insight, 'First, let me just say analysing the actual dialogue of this interview, in any rational scheme of perception, has all the use of dissecting a conversation between a pair of K-heads wrestling in the bin juice on the floor of a dirty squat party at 7am in the morning when the gabba's banging - so to speak. Even considering the people who actually run America would let this so-called businessman and reality TV star have anything to do with the real mechanics of the political apparatus in that country is like thinking Dirty Den was the King of London and if he could've just sorted out his relationship with the tempestuous Ange then perhaps the rubbish in Islington could have been collected more than once a week; it's absurd. As for Morgan, the man brings a new meaning to the word 'countryside', [sic. cunt-ry-cide] and his part in any meaningful expression or exchange of information in the telecommunication age, or any other age for that matter, is far, far, far less than nothing. Unfortunately, I believe the important factor here is that the interview happened at all and that, in itself, this proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that the established media, as an instrument to reveal any semblance of truth within the naturally occurring political dialogue between the state and the people, is, in fact, entirely and intentionally obsolete. Because neither man can simply not be what they appear; i.e. either, the world's premier journalist - securing the first interview with the world's premier politician - or the world's premier politician, then it would seem fairly safe to conclude that other forces and personages to those we are shown currently control the US, and therefore the West, and therefore the World. As this, in itself, is a subterfuge of the highest order one would naturally assume those behind this charade wish to remain concealed for good reason, and that this reason must be that they would be even more unpopular than the men we currently believe to be our leaders - or journalists. At this point any sane person would surely be a little concerned at these rather alarming but, none the less, rational conclusions. Though these characters, and they are just that; characters - Trump and Morgan appear to get on like a house on fire, unfortunately, and perhaps for many people more than metaphorically, it will be your house on fire.'

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