Kuenssberg forthright: New logo not Conservative enough
BBC Rebrands Itself 'The Conservative Party'

The Conservative think tank formerly known as the BBC has officially changed its name to The Conservative Party. The long-expected rebranding was considered 'well overdue' by BBC Trust members, top officials, news and program editors, presenters and staff alike when they realised that they were all, in fact, either currently, previously or subsequently working for or already life-long supporters of The Conservative Party.

Longtime BBC Politics Show presenter Andrew Neil, ex-chairman of The Federation of Conservative Students and research assistant for The Conservative Party, huffed, 'One morning last week we [the entire BBC staff] all just looked at each other and said 'Fuck it. Why pretend anymore?' and that was that. Let me assure British TV licence-payers that this streamlining decision was fully democratic in line with BBC official guidelines, which by the way were laid down by my friends at The Conservative Party, as every single Conservative Party supporter working here at the BBC was allowed to vote.'

Mark Forman, BBC Trust member and former Conservative Party Treasurer, agreed, 'Andrew is right as, I would like to remind the public, are all Conservatives. At first we were going to call ourselves 'The British Broadcasting Conservatives' but then Laura Kuenssberg shouted 'Fuck it! If they [the licence payers] can't stop us from mounting a hate campaign of such utterly ridiculous impartiality against Jeremy Corbyn every 15 minutes, seven days a week that would make the Nazi's singling out of the Jews look fair - we're even photoshopping daft hats on his head on Newsnight for fuck's sake! - and after David Cameron and his buddies appeared on our shows 250% more than Labour MPs during the build up to the last elections when we are compelled under UK law to strict impartiality regulations - then how the fuck can they stop us from changing the name to 'The Conservative Party?' And that was that. Laura can be so forthright.'

Ms Kuenssberg was not available for comment as she was busy glassing a Corbyn supporter in the face at her local pub 'The Laughing Conservative' but Nick Robinson, former chief BBC news editor and ex-chairman of The Cheshire Young Conservatives, defended the Beeb's decision claiming, 'It is vital in order to combat theories of fake news that the BBC clean up their act like this. I myself have long campaigned for a private but highly-visible monorail connecting Conservative Party HQ to the BBC offices, all paid for at licence payer's expense and ensuring Conservative Party members don't get stuck in traffic jams when travelling to and fro between important briefings. As long as the BBC continues to represent a broad spectrum of political views: all the way from soft Conservatism on the right - to hard Conservatism on the far right - then the UK public who, in my experience, are all Conservatives too, will gladly accept these changes.'

Sir Roger Carr, BBC Trust vice-chair and also [SHOCKINGLY!] BAE chairman, rallied around his friends, sycophantically oozing, 'Andrew Neil, Nick Robinson, Laura Kuenssberg, Mark Forman and indeed all Conservatives at the BBC and everywhere else, especially Teresa May and Tony Blair, are right - it is high time we called ourselves The Conservative Party. I myself have never worked directly for The Conservative Party but BAE are practically an arm of The Conservative Party already as we share all the same core beliefs; pro war, pro debt, pro austerity, pro bankers, pro bailout, pro sickening privilege, pro no prosecutions in ongoing investigations into the Westminster pedophile ring, pro all UK top political, media, industry jobs filled with the same public school pro Conservative stooges, pro continuation of crippling student loans, pro NHS privatisation, pro third and even forth Heathrow runways, pro arms deals with brutal regimes sanctioning further atrocities on surrounding indigenous defenceless populations, pro GCHQ recording every public email and phone call checking if you oppose Conservative policies, pro this unrelenting ludicrous political bias, pro The Conservative Party, pro BBC and pro keeping it the same way forever.'

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Deadly Sales

'Coke: The real killer flavour -  Whoosh! Kaboom!
Trump Sanctions Advertising On US Military Vehicles

US President Donald Trump has passed more new legislation this time sanctioning corporate advertising on US military vehicles including; jeeps, trucks, armoured cars, tanks, aircraft carriers, nuclear subs and even, controversially, stealth bombers. The embattled President has appointed Senator Louis Cipher Bilderberg, CEO of Coca Cola and also interestingly board member of the Lima Tank Factory (a factory that makes tanks) to be the new tzar of what the President has termed 'Battle Branding.'

Trump administration officials revealed the details of the new plans explaining, 'In the past CDPO's - collateral damage press obligations, or dead people as we used to call them, never actually knew why they were being blown up, as they had no televisions to watch BBC or FOX news. But now, with our new branding initiative, even the most destitute of useless eaters will recognize the globalised entities for whom they and their families are being destroyed. This new synergy between the two most profitable retail sectors of our economy; i.e. cheap consumables and war, presents both parties with exciting new product-placement brand-crossover opportunities. Advertising basically. Imagine the new commercials; 'Coke has the real killer flavour -  Whoosh! Kaboom! Or 'Make that two big Macs fella. I'm gonna eat the Taliban out of Afghanistan. Awesome! I'm wasted on politics. Mother was right, I should have gone into advertising. OMG! I've just realised; they're exactly the same. High five!'

As with much of President Trump's new legislation these new plans have run into trouble with several complaints coming in particular from top military staff. Five Star General Bud Weiser blustered, 'What is that living turd trying to do to the Goddamn US army? We [US military] have spent upwards of 500 billion dollars camouflaging everything on the battlefield from the wheel nuts on the new Abrams 31b Tank to the Goddamn knives and forks in the mess tent. Now this over-inflated tangerine is gonna make it all visible from twenty miles away. Thank Christ the B2 stealth bomber can strike from at least two twenty times that distance before flying over the target and the remaining survivors see 'The Best A Man Can Get' written over the bomb bay and the troops march in dressed as Goddamn Ronald McDonald!'

Expanding the advertising on weapons policy to its illogical conclusions Trump's team have indicated plans to place Walmart 'blip vert' logos on the tips of the 1.78 million rounds of ammunition recently bought by Homeland Security to combat 'student loan fraud.' However, an idea to place a 'Jaffa' logo on President's Trump's forehead was deemed a step too far even for this administration. Though US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson later commented, strictly off the record, 'We will wait for orders from our owners about that.'

Homeland Security under investigation for massive ammo buys -
30 Apr 2013 - The Department of Homeland Security is under investigation for purchasing ... 03:24 GMT, Feb 21, 2017 ... Purchasing 1.6 billion rounds of ammo would also give DHS the means to fight the equivalent of a 24-year Iraq War.

2017 Convoy Trains Transporting UN Military Tanks Prepare for ...
22 Mar 2016 - Uploaded by LivingTheGoodLife
2017 Convoy Trains Transporting UN Military Tanks Prepare for Martial Law Riots NWO ... Recent Footage ...


Cash burning Coyne earmarked for treasury job
Cambridge Student Burns Entire Fortune In Front Of Tramp

A Cambridge student, Ronald Coyne (21) has set fire to his entire fortune in front of a tramp for a 'ruse.' The incident happened on 'Enrage The Poor Night,' a weekly tradition for Cambridge students wishing to apply for the privileged Bullingdon Club and, although local Tory club representatives have temporarily barred Mr Coyne for public relations reasons, it is known that government budget officials have already earmarked the cash burning student for a top job at the Treasury.

Lord Arthur Avarus, chief advisor to the UK Treasury commented on the incident, "Not only has Coyne shown how effective a top-notch English education is for instilling a sense of cruelty, natural superiority and ridiculous self-entitlement but also establishing a keen understanding for the true value of money. He's all set to be the new George Osborne and is certainly paying attention in his classes which, I might add, are obviously worth every single one of the trillions and trillions and, literally, trillions of pennies that it costs you."

Mr Coyne's parents were upbeat about the incident laughing, "It's funny. He never did this type of thing at home. Though, there aren't any poor people here to goad so they might explain it. We're not made of money, though fortunately our bank account is so we'll be sending him another van load of the stuff so he can rub it in a waitress's face, or wipe his arse with it then slap it on the forehead of a lap dancer on one of his nights out with his brainy uni mates. We feel that it's important, especially at testing times such as these, that people always remember whatever he does with it - even if he rams it all up a vicar's backside with a punting pole - he'll still walk into a highly-paid job when he leaves university which, in itself, is far more enraging."

Mr Coyne was not available for comment himself as he was busy flushing his wallet down a local Premier Inn toilet in front of a cleaner on minimum wages but Peter Patiens, the tramp in front of whom the money was burnt, said, "What a prick. At least it kept me and my mates warm for the night and, as we stood around warming our hands and taking the piss out of the little tosser, we discussed that surely the only effective way of resolving the existing international economic crisis, thus preventing this uneven spread of wealth, was to give the government back the ability of money production for which they need only charge interest rates in line with inflation when, after all, lending it to themselves, instead of borrowing it from the usury-based, privately-owned central banking cartel. But no one listens to us because we didn't go to Cambridge University. Never mind. Going to be another cold night. I wonder where the prick is?"

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Westminster Village/ People

Hunt: Safest hands in the NHS business
Hunt: Waiting Times For NHS Privatisation 'Unacceptable'

Jeremy Hunt has claimed waiting times for international business interests to privatise the NHS are 'unacceptable.' The Secretary of State for Health made the remarks whilst delivering a private £15,000 keynote speech to a business and health conference after it had been reported that a hedge fund operating out of the Cayman Islands was forced to wait almost three months before it could take over a multi-million pound contract running the NHS's in house temporary staff supplier, potentially losing the company a fortune in the process.

NHS representatives reported millionaire banker Max Headlong, who runs the hedge fund from his yacht in the Cayman Islands, had repeatedly pleaded with UK health officials that he was losing almost £30,000 a day but hospital management were so overrun with other companies attempting to buy off bits of the hospital as they worked that they were unable to come to Mr Headlong's aid. The banker commented, 'It was a living nightmare. I was getting the sweats, headaches and dandruff. Sometimes I couldn't even sleep. Buggeration! I was losing almost £30,000 a day. Over that period I must have drunk at least two bottles of scotch a night. It played havoc with my constipation and I had to send my wife out in the Bentley to get some Imodium but the silly cow went and crashed it. I must have lost £45,000 that day so now, although I have the contract, I'm still suing the NHS. These ridiculous waiting times for NHS privatisation must come down now or someone rich will die!'

Mr Hunt has always publicly denied that he plans to privatise the NHS claiming that his remarks in a book he wrote titled 'How I Plan to Privatise the NHS' have been taken out of context. Speaking to guests at the lavish business banquet set up by Optum (the health insurance company to which both David Cameron's ex minister for health and the current head of NHS England have professional connections) he rattled on, 'We are not really privatising the NHS, we are simply allowing business interests to slowly seep into sectors of its burgeoning health market that can no longer run at a profit. There is a difference. Though, as we all know, it's purely in the spelling. Always remember, this exciting opportunity has only come about after years of purposeful mismanagement and underinvestment on both my part and the parts of successive lying little enemas just like me. I would also like to take this opportunity to raise a cut-crystal glass to the BBC News departments for their relentless, irrational criticism and scaremongering of the health service, without which, all this would have been a great deal more difficult.'

Defending further claims that he would sell his own mother he quibbled, 'That is absurd. It would be far more cost effective to rent her to the NHS as a broom and mop dispensing unit whilst simultaneously floating her organs on the stock market then by investing the revenue gained in her initial floatation, fund several lucrative tax-free offshore banking practices until she was no longer profitable, i.e. dead, before liquidating her assets, harvesting her remaining parts and selling them to Chinese commercial investment entities for a healthy dividend.'

9 Sep 2016 - Uploaded by The Tony Martin Experience
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Counter Intelligence/ Stupidity

NIST: Hiroshima caused by standard office fires
NIST Hiroshima Report: Someone Left Gas On

NIST the US National Institute for Standards and Technology who published the official 9/11 report have released a retrospective investigation into the atomic bomb attack on Hiroshima in 1945 concluding that 'No explosives were used and damage to surrounding buildings was probably caused by standard office fires after someone left the gas on.'

NIST were directed to complete the report after Barack Obama officially apologised for the attack during a state visit [May 2016] and it is thought the US administration were looking for possible legal loopholes to exploit should the Japanese wish to sue for damages. US state officials are said to be 'happy' with NIST's findings and Colonel Lee Adjunct Wildermier, representing the US foreign affairs and collateral damage department [FACDD], commented, 'Those guys are great. They couldn't find their own dick in their pants even if it was tied to a brick with a piece of string.'

However not everyone was satisfied with NIST's conclusions and billions of people around the world complained that the report was an obvious out-and-out purposeful distortion of the truth and a willful manipulation of history for indefensible political reasons. Dr. Shyam Sunder, highly-paid co-author of the report defended NIST's [his boss's] findings and chuntered, 'Just because millions and millions... and... millions... of conspiracy theorists have read something in a book or seen a film on YouTube does not mean they understand the complex world of physics. The real truth is both plain and simple: we can find no proof of the use of explosives at the Hiroshima site thus the collapse of the buildings is probably due to standard offices fires breaking out after someone left the gas on.'

When it was pointed out to Dr. Sunder that, aside from thousands of historical written, film and eyewitness accounts directly contradicting his claims, Hiroshima had no public gas supply in 1945 his eyes rolled around like marbles on a roller coaster seat and he witlessly bumbled, 'Our computer model cannot be... wrong... although... I cannot tell you... how I modeled... our computer... model... that I modeled... because it would present a risk to public safety...'

When it was pointed out to Dr. Sunder that a US army B 52 was flying over Hiroshima that very morning in which the crew were seen celebrating and giving each other highfives whilst filming the event, rather chillingly he used a similar response to that of Oded Ellner (one of bizarre removal men arrested on 9/11 for strange behaviour but later released on passport violations and repatriated to Israel where he later appeared on a live TV chat show) and said, 'Maybe their purpose was to document the events.'

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Shyam Sunder comment WTC 7 collapse model - YouTube
5 Jun 2014 - Uploaded by Thomas Grøn
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Israel and September 11 9/11 - YouTube

16 Aug 2006 - Uploaded by dave777
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World Bollotics

MI5: 'Queenie' drone: 'Blam! No one can put Humpty
Trumpty back together again'
Drone Queen To Kill Trump On UK Visit

MI5 have revealed plans to use a weaponised Queen Elizabeth II drone to kill President Donald Trump on his forthcoming UK visit. The hit on the troublesome US president is due to mounting international pressure to get rid of him before he does something really stupid during the next three years and 360 days of his presidency. Such is the overwhelming support for the plan that the list of advocates contain several renowned pacifists including; Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu, former UN Chief Kofi Annan and even BBC 1's kind-hearted weatherwoman Carol Kirkwood.

A top-level MI5 intelligence boss with maximum security clearance and thirty years experience working within the heart of the country's secretive counter-intelligence apparatus protecting our fragile nation's peace from the very real threat of international terrorism took £10 off us and said, 'We have had the weaponised 'Queenie' drone for a while. We were going to use it on Blair incase he didn't go through with the Iraq War in 2003. But he always was such a good boy. Anyway - the plan is to get the drone Queen to lure old Humpty-Trumpty to a part of Buckingham Palace that already needs redecorating by offering him a coke or a meeting with fellow ginge Prince Harry then - Blam! - no one could put poor Humpty-Trumpty back together again. At first we were going to use a room that she [the Queen] wanted orange - y'know? To save money. Splat! But apparently she said 'just kill the little shit, clean the floor with a mop and bucket then hang some £140 a roll Arundale Trefoil wallpaper.' That's royalty for you. Pure class.'

CIA bosses have indicated they are ready to replace Mr Trump with their own drone: TRU-MP 2;(Tithead Replacement Unit - Mechanised President #2) and that the 'switch' will take place shortly after the 'hit' just like 'the old days.' Technicians working at the agency's biological weapons developement department said that in order to fool the press and Trump's family members the drone has been fitted with a random sentence generator made from the broken voice box of an old GI Joe and the CPU from a computer installed with Windows 8. Another realistic feature is the incorporation of the special gripping hands from the same GI Joe toy which, whilst having both exactly the same skin colour and texture as the old president, will also allow the new TRU-MP 2 to convincingly continue grabbing women's genitalia and to hold a crayon when he is signing the dissolution of the Kyoto climate agreement.

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A Psychic Is Predicting Donald Trump's Death By Assassination ... › RIP

3 days ago - Psychic Lyndsay Edwards is now officially on the record as having seen a vision of Donald Trump's assassination, and it sounds terrifying.