The Stuffing 'Em Post: Sport Crime

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Sport Crime

Olympics: 'The good old days' Ben Johnson on drugs.

Olympic Drug Ban Causes Huge Ratings Plunge

New figures have been released suggesting that the Olympic ban on drugs has caused a huge plunge in ratings. Viewing figures for Rio 2016 are at an all time low, not seen since 1936 when the Nazis held the games in Germany and only twenty people on earth owned a television. It is suspected that the international viewing public has become disillusioned with normal athletics and is now only interested in watching people running and jumping about when they are washed up celebrities appearing on reality TV and they can vote them off the show.

Sports Psychologist Rory 'The Smoking Rock' Wrexham, a reformed performance-enhancing, drug-abusing bridge player, agreed with this assessment and lamented, 'Its sad but true. Remember the good old days of the Olympics when Ben Johnson's eyes were as blood shot as a used sanitary towel but 'Pow!' he was as fast as a Japanese train with British brakes? And what about Olga Korbut? Everyone knew she was as off her tits as Keith Richards on his birthday but - Holy Shit! - she could ride those parallel bars like deranged orangutan on crystal meth. Brilliant! But seriously, people these days have watched too much TV and, as such, are obsessed with story-line. For years the only risky story-line in sport was drugs. In the same way that Star Wars would be boring without Darth Vader, without the Romanian women sprinting around the track like Harley Davidsons doing wheelies and the Russian weightlifters chucking the dumbbells around like gorillas discarding unwanted cotton buds, the Olympics is all a bit dull.'

Olympic Viewership Is Down, But ... Skateboarding May Turn It Around ...

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www.newschannel5.com/.../olympic-viewership-is-down-but-skateb...

4 Aug 2016

The International Olympic Committee is adding five sports to the 2020 Tokyo games: baseball/softball, surfing ...

Sport Crime

'We lie more goals; we win. They lie more goals: they win'

Football Lying Hits All Time High As
Money Continues To Flood Into Sport

An international policy unit set up to look into ethics in sport has released a damning new report claiming that the historic rise in footballers' wages has been directly proportional to the explosion of lying in the game which, like the money flooding into the sport, is currently at an all-time high.

The successful careers of some of the best liars in football has caused team coaches, pundits and supporters alike to drastically re-think their entire philosophy toward to the once beautiful game. Now some are even brave enough to suggest changing the name of the world's most popular team sport to 'Lieball.'

Football supercoach Diego Zetzilla, otherwise known as 'The Lying One', echoed these sentiments. Speaking from his trainer's dug-out and from both sides of his mouth at once he said, "Everyone knows football iz all about lying now. Yes? We lie more goals; we win. They lie more goals; they win. First skill practice on training field: how to secretly but painfully tweak another player's nipples. The best players, they can do this to a man standing behind them when they are facing the other way kissing their fingertips at the ref. Genius. Skill two: how to say 'Your mother is a whore' in twenty different languages - thirty two if it is in World Cup eh? Heh heh. Lesson three: how to fall over and lie. This is the most important skill of all. More goals are scored this way than any other. So the player who masters this will always be the best. Then there is lesson four: to play, to pass and to, how you say 'dribble?' No? That is blah blah. Trust me when they run around for long enough they soon get that part, No. It is the falling over and lying that is the most important skill."

'Live' polygraph tests for players, consisting of a red and green light bulb sewn into the shoulders of their kits, were ruled out by FIFA boss Micheal Platini who also famously turned down cameras and other 'smart' technology introduced to stop France reaching international championship semi-finals. As football continued its inevitable slide into oblivion and the very reason for the sport itself came, into question, once again, other soccer talking heads were eager to 'kick off' and give the sport the 'red card.' Speaking over the front gate of his mock Tudor cottage in Berkshire, Peter Shilton, not-so-famous-anymore-especially-to-kids England goalkeeper from the 1970's witlessly bemoaned the situation, hooting like a lost Alsatian looking for its owners, "At the end of the day if you had carried on like that we I was young someone would have told you to go and sit in the transit till the match was over and no bits of orange at half time. No way. Plain and simple. That's that."

To combat the rising epidemic of football lying the ethical policy unit made a raft of suggestions including establishing a 'W.O.O.F.T.A.A' 'World. Organisation. Of. Football. Terrible. Acting. Award.' This Oscar-like trophy would be publicly presented to the players in an attempt to modify their negative behaviour traits by subjecting them to acts of ritual personal humiliation similar to those experienced in the sport's joint-bathing areas. Joan Breech heading the policy unit said, "The worst lying footballer would be voted for every week by members of the public then presented with the award live on Saturday night national TV in front of his friends and family to try and get the idiot to stop leaping about and crying like he's been hit by a tractor every time someone standing near him opens a packet of crisps It's the only thing we can think of apart from taking away all their money. It's either that or tying football bootlaces around their bollocks and giving the other end to angry spectators who can yank on it when the player starts acting like a twat."

Top 10 Funny Dives in Football 2016 - YouTube

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcU52t4NH5s

10 Jan 2016 - Uploaded by Top Funny Videos

Top 10 Funny Dives in Football 2016https://youtu.be/gcU52t4NH5s Cristiano Ronaldo and others featuring ...

Sport Crime

BBC force Coulthard to take drugs

BBC Force Commentator David Coulthard To Take Drugs To Make F1 Sound More Exciting

Rumours are circulating the Formula One pit lane that BBC commentator David Coulthard will be forced to take drugs throughout the rest of the season in an attempt to make the tedious sport seem more exciting.

Viewing figures for F1, historically referred to as TV tamazepam, took another battering at the first race of the year in Australia where thirteen of the twenty starters became so bored they parked their cars in the pits and wondered off looking for something else better to do. Even former ex-World Champion Fernando Alonso claimed he had 'memory problems' so he could go home early rather than drive his new Mclaren because it was so dull. Fearing David Coulthard's commentary was already responsible for loosing the BBC three thousand viewers a week Old Auntie bosses have finally decided that drugging him is the only way.

Martin Seismic, overseeing Motorsport at the Beeb, stated, 'Basically we're up shit chicane without a steering wheel. We have two problems. Number one: F1's as boring as watching somebody else's extortionately expensive paint dry - in the dark. Even Hamilton's old girlfriend has fucked off somewhere else to sell her yogurt. Secondly, David sounds like a slowly deflating bagpipe droning on about 'race management', 'tyre management', 'strategy management' and bloody 'management management' to the point where he makes the races sound as exciting as paying off a mortgage even when the cars are crashing in flames. With half a pound of crystal meth up the old, thistle-faced jockstrap he will be able to make 'Celebrity Bake Off' seem as exciting as Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star. Never mind making this disgusting corporate waste of money seem intriguing. It's the only way. Anyway, look what it did for Murray Walker's career and indeed the whole sport in general.'

David's enormous chin will be heard uncontrollably juddering about the next boredom strewn GP (Mercedes/Red Bull advert) from Malaysia next Sunday. The race will be broadcast live on BBC 1 at who-gives-a-fuck o'clock on Sunday morning and repeated at I-thought-I-told-you-the-first-time-I-don't-give-a-fuck o'clock on Sunday evening.

Mercedes' Australian GP win was 'boring', say rival F1 drivers

www.theguardian.com › Sports › Formula One

5 days ago - Mercedes' rivals were all but conceding the 2015 Formula One ... opens F1season with straightforward victory; 'It was a boring race,' says Red ...

F1 2015 Australian GP: Drivers Press Conference ... This year's championship is going to be a predictable ...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyUk5Uagtk0

Sport Crime

Sepp Blatter Crowning Despotic 19 Year FIFA Reign By Changing Football To 'Blatterball'

FIFA Emperor Blatter; The world will play Blatterball

World football emperor and international sport warlord Sepp Blatter has announced plans to crown his despotic 19 year FIFA reign by changing the word football to 'Blatterball.' The vote to re-brand the international sport and pastime was carried unanimously by 1:0 in favour though critics were quick to point out Emperor Blatter holds the only vote.

Two days ago English football Duke; Lord Gregg of Dyke, along with other rouge football barons, attempted to topple the Belgian soccer overlord. The coup failed when Dyke rallied his allies and they heard his ridiculous accent making him even more unpopular than the international sport villain himself and because shortly afterwards he was warned by Blatter's aids that if he persisted he would end up in the boot of a car with a broken neck and his severed feet stuffed in his mouth.

When challenged about his all-powerful stranglehold of the sport Blatter commented from his two mile-long palace made from the bones of his detractors, "Let my critics eat Blattercake. From today the world will play Blatterball."

Other FIFA plans to rename The World Cup;'The Blatterballs Cup' and Wembley stadium; 'Saint Blatteballs' are also thought to have been voted unanimously 1:0 in favour.

BBC Sport - Greg Dyke wants Sepp Blatter to be challenged ...

www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/29776983

FA chairman Greg Dyke wants to see a second candidate challenge Fifa presidentSepp Blatter at ... 26 October 2014 Last updated at 11:08 ... "You need change and it's hard to get change if you don't change the president." ... Calls for Fifa presidential challenge Daily News South Africa 4 hrs ago External Link; Football ...

Missing: ~~tube~~

"Hey, FIFA": A Song About How Much Sepp Blatter Sucks ...

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~~www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVUogXbz7rA~~

~~30 Sep 2014 - Uploaded by Fusion~~

YouTube home ... Music · Sports · Gaming · Education · Movies · TV Shows · News · Spotlight ... "Hey, FIFA": A Song About How Much Sepp Blatter Sucks ... Sixteen years after he seized FIFA's presidency, Blatter's ills have ...

Sport Crime

Desperate Hodgson Annouces New 4-4-2 2-4-4 'Phone Number' Formation

Hodgson; phone number formation is the 'only way'

After England's mediocre performances during recent qualifying rounds for the European Championship, Roy Hodgson has announced what he calls his new 4-4-2 2-4-4 'Phone number' formation for the next games. When puzzled reporters at the press conference following last Sunday's underwhelming match against Slovenia, asked, 'Won't that mean you have twenty one players on the pitch?' the desperate manager shouted, 'Exactly!'

Hodgson (who seemed drunk) glanced around taking a slug from a bottle hidden inside a brown paper bag and continued, 'Its not 1966 anymore boys. Back then half these countries didn't have pitches, or shin pads, or goal posts, or even fucking screw in studs. Jesus Christ! Some of them didn't even have a pair of bollocking balls to rub together! Nowadays, they've got the lot. Maybe even JD Sports shops. I bet some of 'em even have home videos so they can watch our previous matches and work out our secret tactics, like constantly passing the ball back to our keeper when we can't think of anything else to do. If we're going to win again the phone number formation is the only way!'

It is not the first time Hodgson has made seemingly unrealistic remarks, though this is thought the reason he was given the job by the FA in the first place, in order to keep a sense of continuity over the last thirty years of UK national football squad management.

Colin Gulag, a cab driver from East Sussex, was quick to point out that 4-4-2-2-4-4 is actually the phone number for A1 taxis based in Three Bridges and, went on to stress, that an A1 taxi from Gatwick to Three Bridges is only £27 which represents 'excellent value for money'.

The difference between Arsene Wenger and Roy ... - YouTube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc6JwxuStn0

21 Sep 2014 - Uploaded by Dr. Shit Fun Chew

The difference between Arsene Wenger and Roy Hodgson... Dr. ... When she says she's home alone... by Dr ...

Roy Hodgson swears on BBC - YouTube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aCrUvaLNxo

24 Jun 2012 - Uploaded by rizlateef

England manager Roy Hodgson appears to say that "..he's never seen such shit.." in an post-match ...

Sport Crime

Hodgson: The football funnel; it can't fail.

Hodgson Predicts 'Funnel Of Goals' Against World's Worst Team

Roy Hodgson has predicted a 'funnel of goals' for England against San Marino, the world's worst team when they meet later tonight in the first qualifying match for next year's European Championships. Hodgson explained his new cutting edge tactic the 'football funnel' at the pre-match press conference, 'This plan is full proof. Five of our players will stand in a line on either side of the opposition's goal all holding hands making, in effect, a funnel. If our keeper kicks the ball up the pitch enough times eventually it's bound to ricochet of one of our players until hopefully ending up in the back of their net. It can't fail. Well - it better not. It's all I've got.'

The football funnel is Hodgson's last desperate attempt of to bring some success back to the team after their disastrous World Cup campaign this summer. News of the experimental strategy has raised morale in the changing rooms and spirits are said to be 'sky high' with Daniel Sturridge and Wayne Rooney predicting a 'cupboard' and a 'trough' full of goals, respectively.

However William Hill are not so confident and have England at 4:1 to win by one goal with Rooney scoring a penalty (his third attempt and in the last minute) after his star status, and the promise of a signed football worth £15,000 on EBay, finally compels the referee to let us win.

England vs Germany 0-1, official highlights from ... - YouTube

Video for England football team crap tactics you tube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rrFJXYzec

20 Nov 2013 - Uploaded by England Football Official

Subscribe to the official YouTube channel of the England football team featuring ... it to make England look like a shit team that will never win anything. .... performance from england roy hodgson needs to re think his tactics if ...

Sport Crime

Pistorius (The Pistol) Verdict Forces Competition To Re evaluate Self-Harming 'Accidents'

Pistorius 'The Pistol' coming out with all guns blazing

The not guilty verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial has forced rival athletes to reconsider harming themselves in a bid to keep up with the speedy gunman. It has long been known that a disabled athlete who has lost both legs can run faster than a competitor who has only lost one. Now that Pistorius is on the loose again his one legged competitors are considering faking a spate of self-harming accidents which could eventually see them overtaking the gun-toting champ.

Danny Botangaleesey, one legged disabled 200m sprinter from Ghana said, 'We all thought Oscar was a goner but somehow he got away with it. Now we're all being told by our trainers that we have to make sacrifices if we want to be the fastest disabled man in the world. Then they leave you alone in your room with a saw. I have not been able to do it yet but now Oscar is back I'm seriously considering having an accident myself. After all I have a wife and children to look after.'

With the World Athletics Cup coming up it is thought Pistorius will come out of the blocks with all guns blazing and rumours of self-harming are rife in the disabled changing rooms. Alex Soap, 100m UK one legged disabled athlete said, 'A few of the guys have been talking about having an accident and loosing another leg here or there but I'm not so sure. I reckon I'll break the world record with Pistorius The Pistol gunning up behind me.'

Oscar Pistorius Animation: The night Oscar killed ... - YouTube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUfxezPJr-8

11 Mar 2014 - Uploaded by eNCAnews

Pistorius Animation: The night Oscar killed Reeva Subscribe to eNCA for latest news. No Fear. No Favour ...

Sport Crime

Hamilton found Rosberg using 'Eye Lie' gel.

Hamilton Furious After Rosberg Refuses In Car Lie Detector

Lewis Hamilton stormed out of his F1 Mercedes pit yesterday after team Mate Nico Rosberg refused to wear an in car polygraph during next week's Japanese Grand Prix. After several incidents this year where the German's 'mistakes' have led to him coming out on top it has become obvious to Hamilton and his team along with millions of F1 spectators around the world that Rosberg is a constant and habitual liar. Now Hamilton is arguing, 'Getting him to wear a lie detector is the only way to make sure the sneaky bastard's telling the truth.'

Relations between the team mates worsened during a data swap meeting when Hamilton saw Rosberg with a jar of 'Eye Lie,' the special grease racing drivers use on their eyes to stop them bursting into flames with the friction caused by intense swiveling at the post-race press conferences. Rosberg categorically denies telling fibs but yesterday when he could not find his 'Gel' and smoke was seen wafting from his face after Hamilton asked him what he had for breakfast the English ex 2008 World Champion demanded Rosberg was fitted with the on board polygraph.

With the last five rounds approaching and the championship on a knife edge competitors are expected to hide their emotions. But it has been reported that Rosberg, along with refusing the lie detector, has taken to wearing a full face helmet fitted with a mirrored visor while working with Hamilton and once even kept it on when the two drivers played golf. This has not helped the ill feeling between them.

Hamilton wheel spun away in his multimillion pound Mclaren sports car shouting from the window, 'What's the point asking him if he meant to crash at Monaco or Belgium or Bahrain or any of the other races where he had strange crashes if he can't tell us what he's had on his bloody toast in the morning?'

With the next Grand Prix in Japan only one week away the nervy stalemate continues. Hamilton taking his temper out on his supermodel girlfriend aboard his multimillion dollar yacht anchored in the Maldives and Rosberg sitting in the darkened bedroom of his playboy penthouse in Monte Carlo practicing F1 2014 on his X Box and downloading all the cheats.