The Stuffing 'Em Post: Deadly Sales

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Deady Sales

Colonel Sanders: still plenty of buckets

KFC Customers Don't Count Their Chickens

Diabetes sufferers, school children, drug dealers and fat bastards all over the UK gritted their canines this morning in preparation for another day without their favourite 'not fast enough' dead animal dish; KFC fried chicken. KFC recently changed their haulage company to new smart logistics providers DHL who apparently thought the man on the phone said 'Mittens' instead of 'Chickens' and now half of London is threatening to riot over the shortage.

Representatives of the Advertising Standards Society (ASS) waded into the affray ordering all KFC branches that have not been burnt down by angry fried chicken addicts to remove the 'C' in their famous logo if they are no longer selling 'chicken'. It was subsequently pointed out, to the same ASS officials, that the chicken is not actually fried in Kentucky either, which has prompted a further investigation into whether the company should also remove the 'K'. Despite ASS's involvement, leading brand experts promoted the idea that simply rearranging the existing letters and adding a 'U', 'E' and 'D' would be more 'culture savvy'.

An agitated 107 year-old Colonel Sanders attended a press conference at his US ranch stating that he deplored the 'chicken riots' that were, no doubt, about to 'engulf your country' and promised that, whatever happened, he would fight to keep the all-important 'F' in his famous logo. He reassured UK chicken addicts that, although his popular franchises no longer had their central product i.e. 'chicken', they would continue to sell fried potatoes- hand raised on his own ranch, fried cheese - made from bursting boils on the slaughtered chicken carcasses, fried popcorn - you don't want to know, fried fries - like fried potatoes but each one hand-crafted by a highly-trained KFC employee, salt - in new '40% paper' packets, Coke - The Real Thing TM and plenty of empty buckets.

Ronald McDonald Gang Riot At KFC - YouTube

▶ 0:37

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90O_jUfPL-Y

1 May 2017 - Uploaded by CM020

Ronald McDonald Gang Riot At KFC Subscribe for more video´s!

'Nationalise KFC!' Hilarious and bizarre responses to Bristol's ...

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https://www.bristolpost.co.uk › What's On › Eating Out in Bristol

2 days ago

“The indefinite closure of this much loved public utility, coming so soon after Saturday's devastating earthquake ...

Deadly Sales

'Coke: The real killer flavour - Whoosh! Kaboom!

Trump Sanctions Advertising On US Military Vehicles

US President Donald Trump has passed more new legislation this time sanctioning corporate advertising on US military vehicles including; jeeps, trucks, armoured cars, tanks, aircraft carriers, nuclear subs and even, controversially, stealth bombers. The embattled President has appointed Senator Louis Cipher Bilderberg, CEO of Coca Cola and also interestingly board member of the Lima Tank Factory (a factory that makes tanks) to be the new tzar of what the President has termed 'Battle Branding.'

Trump administration officials revealed the details of the new plans explaining, 'In the past CDPO's - collateral damage press obligations, or dead people as we used to call them, never actually knew why they were being blown up, as they had no televisions to watch BBC or FOX news. But now, with our new branding initiative, even the most destitute of useless eaters will recognize the globalised entities for whom they and their families are being destroyed. This new synergy between the two most profitable retail sectors of our economy; i.e. cheap consumables and war, presents both parties with exciting new product-placement brand-crossover opportunities. Advertising basically. Imagine the new commercials; 'Coke has the real killer flavour - Whoosh! Kaboom! Or 'Make that two big Macs fella. I'm gonna eat the Taliban out of Afghanistan. Awesome! I'm wasted on politics. Mother was right, I should have gone into advertising. OMG! I've just realised; they're exactly the same. High five!'

As with much of President Trump's new legislation these new plans have run into trouble with several complaints coming in particular from top military staff. Five Star General Bud Weiser blustered, 'What is that living turd trying to do to the Goddamn US army? We [US military] have spent upwards of 500 billion dollars camouflaging everything on the battlefield from the wheel nuts on the new Abrams 31b Tank to the Goddamn knives and forks in the mess tent. Now this over-inflated tangerine is gonna make it all visible from twenty miles away. Thank Christ the B2 stealth bomber can strike from at least two twenty times that distance before flying over the target and the remaining survivors see 'The Best A Man Can Get' written over the bomb bay and the troops march in dressed as Goddamn Ronald McDonald!'

Expanding the advertising on weapons policy to its illogical conclusions Trump's team have indicated plans to place Walmart 'blip vert' logos on the tips of the 1.78 million rounds of ammunition recently bought by Homeland Security to combat 'student loan fraud.' However, an idea to place a 'Jaffa' logo on President's Trump's forehead was deemed a step too far even for this administration. Though US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson later commented, strictly off the record, 'We will wait for orders from our owners about that.'

Homeland Security under investigation for massive ammo buys - RT.com

https://www.rt.com/usa/dhs-ammo-investigation-napolitano-645/

30 Apr 2013 - The Department of Homeland Security is under investigation for purchasing ... 03:24 GMT, Feb 21, 2017 ... Purchasing 1.6 billion rounds of ammo would also give DHS the means to fight the equivalent of a 24-year Iraq War.

2017 Convoy Trains Transporting UN Military Tanks Prepare for ...

Video for corporate advertising on us military vehicles 2017

▶ 10:02

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbP1rEE8CR8

22 Mar 2016 - Uploaded by LivingTheGoodLife

2017 Convoy Trains Transporting UN Military Tanks Prepare for Martial Law Riots NWO ... Recent Footage ...

Deadly Sales

Po-Mo Plates Mark The Downfall Of Western Civilisation

This is the staggering conclusion made by renowned sociologist Professor Albert Ludus in his new book critiquing postmodern culture titled 'NO! It really is that simple.'' In the book Professor Ludus asserts that the slates, tiles, bricks (and other building materials) currently being used instead of plates in 75% of UK restaurants are, not only an infuriating yet unavoidable aspect of modern life but, in fact, the assimilation of a value-distorting revolutionary cultural ideology hidden deep within postmodernism that will ultimately ensure the downfall of western civilisation.

Speaking over dinner at a restaurant in East London the professor attempted to explain his theories, "Within this irrational obsession of eating off everyday objects instead of plates we see the epitome of postmodern ideology: the transcendence of man's super ego - in this case his powerful desire to socially assimilate - over the truth: i.e. the plate simply does not work and his peas and gravy fall on the tablecloth. This arbitrary accommodation of illogical dogma has the same effect as telling a child that it will go to hell if it does not conform to the most perverse religion and, over time, causes long-term cognitive dissonance. With regard to politics the postmodernist orientates themselves accordingly, valuing skewed dogma over rationality. When society, at large, embraces the habitually stigmatisation of logic, I'm afraid all you are left with is a clinically insane population incapable of making the serious political decisions necessary to prevent representative government being replaced by a single synergised military, industrial complex. Yes - it really is that simple. Bollocks! My salad keeps going all over the place. Waiter!"

We Want Plates (@WeWantPlates) | Twitter

https://twitter.com/wewantplates?lang=en-gb

The latest Tweets from We Want Plates (@WeWantPlates). The crusade against serving food on bits of wood and roof slates, jam-jar drinks and chips in mugs. Tweets ... 2017 Twitter; About · Help · Terms · Privacy · Cookies · Ads info ..... This week we'll be retweeting the best (or worst, depending on your perspective) pics of ...

BuzzFeed UK - We want plates. Not slates. Not tiles. PLATES ...

https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedUK/posts/1017359158292240

We want plates. Not slates. Not tiles. PLATES. ... To see more from BuzzFeed UK on Facebook, log in or create an account. Sign UpLog In. Not Now.

Deadly Sales

Earth's population must be doubled to save World's economy

Earth's Population To Be Doubled To Boost Economy

In a long awaited statement the WTO (World Trade Organisation) has announced that the Earth's population must be doubled to boost the ailing international economy. The world has been running out of money ever since since the Central Bankers started to look after it for us and now it is agreed, by all leading economists, that the only way to save the planet's finances is by shopping our way out of trouble and working twice as hard. However, since 99% of Earth's citizens cannot work or shop any more without dying, logically the world's population must be doubled.

Harold Harrington Landscape Blot, the UK Tory politician and banker currently managing Heathrow's third runway expansion and who first coined the soundbite 'unbridled immigration is good for the economy', has been selected by the WTO to oversee the new population expansion initiative known as 'The Sky's The Limit!' Mr Landscape Blot excitedly chomped, "Originally we had wanted to quadruple the Earth's population but now, due to lack of time for sex due to long working and shopping hours, those plans will be have to be shelved till 2020. Think of the money that we will make then. Money that, will, no doubt, in full time, of course, find its way back to an airport near you. After all: the more people - the more money. Right? It's just plain logic. I can't understand why no one has thought of it before. In turn, I believe that everyone: all the way from the largest multi-nationals corporations, supermarkets, high street stores, let's not forget airports, political organisations, schools, hospitals even football teams, churches and armies to the single self-employed person in the street or the simple paperboy should double their workforce. Ka'ching! It's that simple.

Heathrow plans 'frightening' reality as third runway proposed - BBC ...

Video for Heathrow expansion madness 2016

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www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-23339903

17 Jul 2013

Plans for a possible third runway at Heathrow may not have been a surprise for local residents. ... place ...

Third Heathrow runway could triple pollution deaths - Telegraph

Video for Heathrow expansion madness oct 2016

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www.telegraph.co.uk › News › UK News

13 Oct 2012

A third runway at Heathrow would triple the number of early deaths from pollution linked ... Friday 21 October ...

Deadly Sales

Mr Confudit's Windows 8 caused millions of deaths worldwide

Windows 8 Inventor Finally Tracked Down And Killed

Timothy Tremor Confudit, inventor of Windows 8 and one of the world's most wanted 'Techno Terrorists', was finally tracked down yesterday at his LA ranch and killed by a hoard of angry computer users. Mr Confudit became a household name shortly after Windows 8 was launched on an unsuspecting public back in 2012 and within weeks the infuriating software had been responsible for millions of deaths worldwide, mainly from frustration and brain hemorrhages. It is suspected that the bloodthirsty gang would have found Mr Confudit sooner had they not experienced a raft of software problems when searching the internet for details of the designers whereabouts.

Steve Gatt, attorney at law representing Mr Confudit's estate, commented on the death of his client, "Let's face it. He had it coming. Don't get me wrong, Tim was a nice guy and everything. One of the best. I even had dinner with him and his wife and kids last week but you have to admit it, after using Windows 8 for ten minutes and being asked if you want to make a video of yourself and share it with your friends for the millionth time because you moved the cursor within six feet of the edge of the screen, you would have wanted to shoot him in the face just like everyone else."

Fellow LA resident mild-mannered sixties folk icon Paul Simon who wrote the hits 'Scarborough Fair' and 'Homeward Bound' was one of the thousand strong gang who broke into Mr Confudit's house and is reported to have been heard shouting from the front of the murderous frenzy, "All I wanted to do was scroll! Scroll you bastard! But the screen kept going big - small, big - small, big - small. Big - Small! I'll make you big and small you son of a bitch! Die! Die! Die!"

Mr Confudit's passing could not have been more expedient as he had recently been offered a job at Ford redesigning the company's entire new range of cars and it is estimated that his 'counter-intuitive methodology' would have led to the deaths of up to a million drivers per day after they accidentally brushed their indicator stalks causing their new digital windscreen readouts to suddenly shrink so small they can only read by an aphid with a microscope.

Windows Saga Part 12: Windows 8 Parody - YouTube

▶ 3:58

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-_4fhhvUYU

10 Feb 2014 - Uploaded by Dark Parodies

Short and sweet, the moment is here. The next video in the series is here. Please note that the error gen I was ...

Deadly Sales

UN: 'Millions of lives will be saved'

'Needlesssly Complicated'
Microsoft Redesign AK47 For UN Peace Bid

The UN has asked Microsoft to redesign the most popular assault rifle of all time, the AK47 (and perhaps other weapons) in an effort to bring about world peace. The decision came when millions of people round the planet were, once again, left screaming at their computers moments after mistakenly installing Windows 10 the latest ridiculously over-complicated Microsoft system update; UN peace officials concluded that by placing the company in charge of producing the traditionally simple weapon, modern combat would be quickly rendered impossible by the ever-changing updates, constant re-positioning of control functions and subsequent confusion in operation, and claimed, in an official press release, 'Millions of lives will be saved.'

Diego Embargo representing the UN peace delegation investigating the need for a world bilateral integrated universal 2016 peace strategy ratified by joint NATO commissions, commented, 'Microsoft are mad. They are perfect for guns. No one will even be able to reload. When they do they will just glare at their rifles shouting, "Where have the bullets gone? Where have the bullets gone? I have eighteen 'virtual magazines' all named, 'My bullets.' Why? Why? Why? Why don't all the bullets just automatically go to one file marked 'bullets'?" Millions of lives will be saved, The owners will be secretly disarmed by a tsunami of entirely needless but increasingly-complex operating systems plus extremely expensive apps not to mention useless 'upgrades' which will randomly change the position of certain critical controls, making the completion of even simple tasks infuriatingly complicated and, of course, potentially suicidal. Even if they can reload, when they try to fire their bullets will shoot out of the rifle's butt, or in their faces, or in their 'Recycle Bin' before they realise the trigger has been replaced with the 'backspace' button. War, as we know it, will be eradicated within two years. Either that or the combatants will die from frustration when the gun-sights erratically keep shifting focus and switching from portrait to landscape or they can't remember the name of their first pet after they've entered their password three times incorrectly because the gun's 'new' readout app now only shows blobs instead of letters and the cursor is jumping about like a cat with a firework up its arse because its sensitivity is 'nonadjustable.'

Bill Gates was unavailable for comment as he had been locked out of his personal Hotmail account for 24 hours after accidentally repeat applying for a 'one time only' account reactivation code when his new 'super sensitivity' Microsoft touchscreen Phone App TM malfunctioned in his pocket. Professor Farquar Fardfarqauarkle, overseeing Microsoft's 'Overt Complexity Division' and inventor of the revolutionary useless TV standby switch when working at Panasonic in the 80's, babbled senselessly on behalf of his boss, "If our plans for unnecessary confusion implementation develop into full-spectrum fruition, identical inverted-intuitive, counter-real-time, real-thought, anti-practical-outlook, deep psychological reprogramming, system approaches could be introduced to all weapons systems universally making global high inter-fushional coherence vector resonance a conceivable certainty. Simple."

Microsoft Offices: 'for technical reasons' IT system was 'down'

However, he was unable to clarify these remarks for the benefit of the man in the street because his computer promptly crashed due to a virus caught downloading a driver for his latest 'Windows Home-Hub Device Control Utility Service System Multi-Pack 6000.64b App Extension TM' necessary for him to watch YouTube videos in his kitchen and his living room while changing the temperature controls on his fridge, his barbecue, his bath, and his smart car. Fortunately he managed to borrow a fax machine in the dry cleaners situated across the road from plush Microsoft central offices in downtown LA where, 'for technical reasons' the entire IT system was 'down.' The fax read, "Basically we would implant a weaponised version of Windows Media Player into everything from an F-14, to a aircraft carrier, to a nuclear missile silo, to an air-rifle. Then - Boom! or not in this case. Get it? Total lock down. Nobody will be able to fire anything. or M.A.D. as we at Microsoft have termed it: Microsoft, Assured, Deterrent.TM'