Travel Fears

Graying keen to promote evermore expensive rail travel

Graying's New 'Golden Era For Rail' Targets Cyclists

Keen to promote evermore expensive rail travel Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has knocked down a cyclist outside the House of Commons in his chauffeur driven car. Mr Grayling (54) stood over the injured cyclist and snorted, 'If I can do it then anyone can. If every UK motorist could bag at least one of these Lycra-clad idiots then the morning train from Brighton to Victoria will look like the 8.45 am into Calcutta station. C'ching!"

Mr Grayling, who has never been on a bike, claiming, 'You'd never get me on one of those things," has never been on a train and claimed, "You'd never get me on one of those things. No, but really - what I'm promising is a new Golden Era for rail. Literally. If we keep prices in line with balloon inflation, as we are at the moment, then by 2020 rail users might just as well be travelling on trains made from gold. With one exception. They won't be. They will be the same old rusty, purple, brown, orange, green, yellow, blue, red and tartan, piss-stinking old ones from before but vastly, and I mean vastly, more expensive. Not only will they be as expensive as trains made from gold but they will be as slow as trains made from gold and we predict an increase of anywhere between 1-24 hours journey time and that, on average, each commuter will have to spend at least £300 on sandwiches or die of starvation before they alight at their chosen destination. But don't worry I'll be regularly driving past in one of my governmental cars or maybe even flying over you in Theresa's helicopter to see how you're all doing. Neeeeoooowwww!"

WATCH: Transport Secretary Chris Grayling hits cyclist off road with ...

https://www.politicshome.com/.../watch-transport-secretary-chris-grayling-hits-cyclist

16 Dec 2016 - Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has been caught on camera hitting a cyclist off the road and into a lamp post by opening his car door. ... Accountants and lawyers who help others to evade paying their taxes ... Rather than reposition itself on immigration and welfare, shadow workand pensions secretary ...

Chris Grayling promises 'golden era for rail' as commuters ... - Tapatalk

https://www.tapatalk.com/.../2b19d2c4b7767d7779c8aefb24981caf-chris-grayling-pr...

Chris Grayling, pictured, announced plans for the first fully privatised railway line but faced criticism for pressing ahead with further privatisation and not sorting ...

Travel Fears

Costa Coffee unveils new 'Milliwich' on M3

Costa Coffee Unveils First Million Pound Sandwich In M3 Service Station

Costa Coffee has unveiled it's first million pound sandwich at a service station in Hampshire on the M3. The disgraceful multinational tax-dodging company stated that they were proud to release their new 'Highway Snack': the Semi-Grated Mild Cheddar in Wholemeal Granary Bread 'Country Feast' which retails at £1 000 000.63p.

Motorway prices for two bits of bread and an old piece of sweaty cheese have been soaring uncontrollably for years and UK snack analysts had predicted the first million pound sandwich for some time. Jeremy Jamjar, head of a not for profit organisation set up to look into retail abuses in the snack trade; Sandwich at Retail Nonsense Investigations (or S.A.R.N.I.) told us, 'Alarm bells started to ring in June when a single sad, old ham roll covered in fly crap languishing on the top shelf of a Starbucks counter in Reading on the A34 and advertised as a 'Banquet for the World - Infinite Swine Orgy' was traded for a two bedroom flat on the Portabello Road. After that we knew it wouldn't be long until the first million pound sandwich, or 'Milliwich' as we call it, was upon us .'

Simon Rapina who sells the sandwiches to Costa Coffee and makes them in his bedsit in Devizes said, 'I used to work at Tescos as a trolley attendant but when I worked out that if I bought one loaf of bread and a 75p piece of cheese and turned them into sandwiches I could make the equivalent of Panamanian national debt in an afternoon I thought fuck this for a game of soldiers and I've never looked back since.'

Travel Fears

Stella Artois Demand UK Government Remove Roadside Cider Signs Undermining Company's Re-Branding Initiative

Delabouze; 'Smug Go Getters,' not 'Normal Human Beingz.'

In a landmark case InBev, owner of Stella Artois and the world's largest beer producer, have demanded the UK government pass legislation removing all roadside cider signs claiming that that the signs, often made from hardboard and painted amateurishly, undermine their multi-million euro re-branding initiative of the popular drink.

Francoise Delabouze, head of revenue streams at InBev, sneered, 'My company have not spent 50 million euros trying to convince ze UK cider drinkers zat their favourite, how do you sezs, 'tipple' is now drunk only by wealthy, young, smug, go-getters, who wear thick rimmed glasses and pretentious suits, drive E-type Jaguars and live in huge renovated barns resembling TV studios full of underwear models for nothingz. Mon Dieu! After my companies clever re-branding programmes; Cidre, as it is now pronounced, retails at £5.56p per pint, sixteen times its old value and zees cheap signs on ze side of the road allow UK drinkers to believe zat it is still nearly affordable for normal human beingz. Zis must be stopped! Immediamont!'

Stella demand removal of roadside cider sign

When told that his roadside cider sign would have to be taken down from outside his cottage from where he produces two hundred litres of cider a year Jack Giles, a tractor driver from Somerset, said, 'Who's this grockle bloke then, me babber? Delabooze? Sounds like one of 'em daft woolly woofter clowns t'me. I tell you what; if ee an his mates want to come down ere and ave a wurd you send 'em. No shirt-lifting euro ponce is gonna tell me what t'do. It's 50p a pint, £5 for four litres an' it'll knock the shite outta that Frenchy crap everyday of the bloody week. Burks! Ta. Right. I'm off to Yeovil on my moped to ave a game o skittles. Yarp.'

Orchard - Stella Artois Cidre TV Commercial 2014 - YouTube
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXWZbHuX9s4
9 Apr 2014 - Uploaded by MotionWithAds
Only the best, classiest apples are used to make Stella Artois Cidre. I DO NOT Own copyrights to this Best ...

Travel Fears

Cameron Accused of Throwing in Towel After Offering Free Kitchen Roll For Flood Victims

Cameron showing flood teams where to deploy kitchen roll

1. Prime Minister gets backlash from flood victims - ITV News - ITV.com

   www.itv.com/news/.../prime-minister-gets-backlash-from-flood-victims/‎
   

   
   

   27 Dec 2013 - An angry flood victim confronted Prime Minister David Cameron today as he visited a Kent ... Maidstone council criticised over flood defences.

David Cameron has been accused of literally throwing in the towel over the deepening flood crisis after announcing free kitchen roll for flood victims. The PM's promise of two family-size packs of Plenty Super Strong (the kitchen roll advertised by 'Juan Sheet' seen below) was ridiculed as utterly meaningless by UK residents who had been forced from their homes by the recent deluge. One man from Maidstone clinging to a lamp post in order not to be swept away shouted, 'What help will kitchen roll be you idiot? I'm bloody drowning!' The PM was quick to defend his aid package claiming, 'It is actually extremely absorbent old boy. Haven't you seen the adverts? Y'know, the ones with the cheeky Mexican chappy in them. Very funny. Very funny indeed.'

When Cameron's environment team were asked why they didn't act sooner to offer aide to citizens affected by the floods a spokesman told damp members of the press, 'Unfortunately January is the month when many staff members like to go on holiday to get away from the foul English weather, what with all the rain and everything,' and that, 'this had probably impacted on the situation.'

Farmers who have been ruined by the floods in Somerset were told by government officials that there would be no cause for alarm. That is until their land was bought off them for pennies on the pound by ruthless hedge fund speculators and they were evicted so that the submerge farmland could be used for paddy fields to feed people living in the West Country after they were impoverished by the up and coming financial crash in February.

1. Plenty Super Strong - TV Advert - YouTube

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   www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoOSl1O4oRo‎
   

   
   

   25 Apr 2013 - Uploaded by TisIJuanSheet

   Juan Sheet introduces his new Super Strong Kitchen Roll. Say Goodbye to cloths for good! Visit us at http://www ...Su

Travel Fears

Motorists Call For Removal of Roadside Distractions Claiming They Are Dangerous

Memorials a 'distraction'

BBC News - Should roadside memorials be cleared away after 30 ...
► 2:19► 2:19	www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17151846 You +1'd this publicly. Undo New5 days ago - 2 min Should roadside memorials be cleared away after 30 days or simply left alone?

Since the idea first came to light of removing distracting roadside memorials after 30 days there have been further calls from concerned drivers groups to eliminate other objects that might force them to take their eye off the road.

At the top of the list, suggested by NSMA, the National Shit Motorists Association, came; traffic lights, signs, lamposts, trees, children, houses, the sky, clouds, kerbs, road markings, other road users, graveyards, junctions, bridges, petrol stations, animals and the weather.

Stacey Bleach, a a 32 year old nervous driver from Goole, who was polled to help compile the list, explained her reasons to include graveyards, saying, "it's the thought of dead people next to the road, its well scary. Last week I nearly crashed into a bus with the kids in the car because I was thinking about zombies and that."

Cecil Valentine, chief spokesperson for the NSMA, said, "In perfect conditions, of course, all road users would drive down a system of tunnels containing no distractions whatsoever. As this is not always possible, yet, we are lobbying the government to remove everything from the roadside that the motorist can see. If this is not easy, in such places as London or the New Forest, we are urging local authorities to erect a system of 10ft high fences down all roads to help concentration and therefore reduce accidents."

A rethink of legislation concerning roadside distractions came to a head a week ago after a 48 year old woman was knocked down and killed as she attended the memorial of her mother by the A38. The motorist who crashed into her said later, "The way she was lighting a candle made me think she was the turning for the M6. I couldn't help it."

Mr Valentine laughed, "This latest crash brilliantly proves my point. The accident would not have happened if the memorial had been removed earlier. Pure and simple."

Travel Fears

High speed train 'excellent value'

Rail Executives Praise HS2 As 'Excellent Value For Money'

Highly-paid rail executives claimed that a reduction of twenty minutes in journey time from London to Birmingham for the new HS2 represented 'excellent value for money' at only £2 billion a minute.

Bosses were keen to point out that time savings may end up being up to 25 minutes (£50 Billion) longer than expected when the service is finalised. Speaking from his chauffeur-driven limousine a Rail Track financial consultancy expert explained, '£2 billion a minute is approximately one billion pounds every thirty seconds' adding, 'that will be fifteen thousand pounds please.'

Public fears that the original estimate of £39 billion for the new rail link might spiral out of control by 2026 were broadly ignored by consultants paid huge salaries overseeing the planned development. It is expected that although many of the people who pay for the glamorous new trains will not be able to afford to travel on them they will be able to watch them as they constantly roar through their gardens and villages.

HS2 figures "shocking, biased and bonkers" says ... - YouTube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=h92e6ycM48k

29 Apr 2012 - Uploaded by StopHS2

HS2 figures "shocking, biased and bonkers" says Public Accounts .... HS2 High Speed Rail in UK - BBC News Night 7th May 2013 

Travel Fears

Gantry manufacturers claim gantries 'great success.'

Manufactures Claim New Motorway Signs 'Great Success'

A nationwide scheme to install hundreds of new and extremely expensive motorway signs informing road users that they are in a traffic jam or that they should not drink and drive have have been hailed as a 'great success' by manufactures of the five-lane gantries. 

A spokesman for the company said 'We are all very happy with the way our plans are developing. This program is even better than our previous scheme where we charged the tax payer £500 pounds each for another sign that was placed on the gantries before their completion which read 'sign not in use yet.'

Concerns aired by a watchdog in charge of identifying ridiculous wasteful government spending claiming that the message 'Fog' could sometimes not be read because of fog, were described as 'unhelpful' by a team representing the company. 

Government officials claimed thousands of motorists might have started drinking whilst driving or crashing into each other unless they had been warned not to by the 'intuitive' system claiming,  'Every driver who is not throwing a bottle of scotch down his neck at the wheel or smashing his car into the central reservation is proof the signs are worth every single one of the billions and billions of pounds spent on them.'