|Cameron showing flood teams where to deploy kitchen roll|
David Cameron has been accused of literally throwing in the towel over the deepening flood crisis after announcing free kitchen roll for flood victims. The PM's promise of two family-size packs of Plenty Super Strong (the kitchen roll advertised by 'Juan Sheet' seen below) was ridiculed as utterly meaningless by UK residents who had been forced from their homes by the recent deluge. One man from Maidstone clinging to a lamp post in order not to be swept away shouted, 'What help will kitchen roll be you idiot? I'm bloody drowning!' The PM was quick to defend his aid package claiming, 'It is actually extremely absorbent old boy. Haven't you seen the adverts? Y'know, the ones with the cheeky Mexican chappy in them. Very funny. Very funny indeed.'
When Cameron's environment team were asked why they didn't act sooner to offer aide to citizens affected by the floods a spokesman told damp members of the press, 'Unfortunately January is the month when many staff members like to go on holiday to get away from the foul English weather, what with all the rain and everything,' and that, 'this had probably impacted on the situation.'
Farmers who have been ruined by the floods in Somerset were told by government officials that there would be no cause for alarm. That is until their land was bought off them for pennies on the pound by ruthless hedge fund speculators and they were evicted so that the submerge farmland could be used for paddy fields to feed people living in the West Country after they were impoverished by the up and coming financial crash in February.