Employees at JP Morgan have held a minute's silence today for abank executive who died after jumping 500ft from the top of thebank's...
London Metropolitan police have declared the death of Gabriel Magee an IT executive working at JP Morgan's Canary Wharf offices 'non
suspicious.' Speaking at a press conference earlier today an unnamed official
working for the Met told members of the press that the employee was
'Probably just sticking his entire body out of the window in an effort to get better
reception on his phone and fell to his death like that.' He went on to add, 'It could have happened to anyone
working for JP Morgan really ... or any other bank for that matter ... not to say,
that is, that banks are more likely than other company's to have strange deaths happen at their
There were fears across London's banking circles that another 'non suspicious' death of senior director at Deutsche bank on the same day could be related. But when asked by the Stuffing-it-to-'em Post about a possible link between the two 'incidents' a JP Morgan insider holding a sock over his mouth menacingly muttered 'There's nothing suspicious about that other death this week either, so shut it. Also there's nothing suspicious about the fact that it was the 33rd floor from
which the mouthy idiot fell to his death. Right!' The mysterious banker went
on to say 'There's also nothing suspicious about JP Morgan's
funding of the Gestapo and the Nazis during WWII so don't even bother googling it or insider trading around the recessions of 1908, 1919, 1929, 1933, 1947, 1958, 1960, 1970, 1974, 1981,1982, 2001, 2008, and the up and coming one in 2016.'
JP Morgan staff held almost a minutes silence before moving into their deceased colleague's office and stealing his furniture and private belongings. Crowds circulating around the base of the investment bank's enormous offices were thought to be concerned, fearing that Mr Magee may have fallen on a pigeon.