Showing posts with label Media Slurp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Media Slurp. Show all posts

Media Slurp

Jesus in Thurrock earlier telling people to be nice to each other
DWP Revoke Jesus's Christmas Licence

In a bold move today Department of Work and Pensions officials revoked Jesus's Christmas licence ahead of new plans to ban the once-popular, religious megastar from yuletide celebrations altogether in 2016. Atheists everywhere welcomed the news after years of being made to feel slightly guilty for gorging themselves throughout the festive season whilst others lay starving in the street and it is thought these new moves by the DWP will give them the chance to blame their gluttony on evolution and not a lack of spiritual mercy.

The ridiculously-named I.D.S [Ian Duncan Smith] head of the DWP, chief anti-Christian and leading Tory, or Bellend to his mates, boggled his soulless eyes about and bleated from inside a suit that coast more than an ambulance, "Let's face it a lot has changed since Jesus's day and I'm afraid he hasn't moved with the times. We simply feel that in our current Christmas environment, or as it is now to be called 'Yuletide high street and armchair experience', the last thing we want is to have some happy sin-dodging, dogooding, dogooder going around telling everyone to be nice to one another and give all their money away to the poor. When, of course, they should be giving it to my friends in the Satanic - huh hum - I didn't say that - corporations. For these reasons Jesus's Christmas licence has been revoked and next year he will be banned from celebrations altogether and forced to stay at home on his own or work the night shift throughout the festive months for minimum wage changing the bin liners in a McDonald's drive-thru car park in Croydon."

Languishing inside his modest, TV less, one room bedsit under the M 25 in Thurrock the 32 year-old Jesus was philosophical about his up-and-coming Christmas ban, "I knew things weren't going to go well when my second coming was overlooked in 1983 because of Star Wars 2. I hate Star Wars. Well you know what I mean. Never mind. I suppose it's for the best. The last time I went out at Crimbo, as I call it, telling people to be nice to each other on my birthday and all that, I got punched in the face for having a beard and being a weirdo. Oh well. Forgive them Father eh? At least beards are in now but if I can't go out what does it matter? I can't afford the night bus to go and work at the McDonald's in Croydon so I guess it will be another Christmas on my own then. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Dad, Jesus wept."
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Media Slurp

Mr West received absolutely nothing for selling soul
Kayne West Sues Satan After Getting Nothing For Selling His Soul

Kayne West, the world's most mispronounced hip hop artist, has started legal proceedings against Satan after the deal to sell his soul ran into problems. Mr West, who is headlining this year's Glastonbury Festival, is thought to be unhappy with his contract claiming he was promised exceptional musical skills after signing his soul away for eternity and that, obviously, up to now he has received absolutely nothing in return.

Mr West mumbled unintelligibly from behind a mixing desk in an LA recording studio, 'I thought me and the chief had an understanding, Know wha' I'm sayin'? Everybody do it these days. Know wha' I'm sayin'? Only a fool who don't want to get no Grammy don't sell his soul to the Devil. Know wha' I'm sayin'? I ain't no fool. Know wha' I'm sayin'? Uh uh. No way. Know wha' I'm sayin'?'

Owing to legislation established under the last Bush administration all American popstars are required by US law to sign their souls over to Lucifer. Kayne's marketing team believed it was essential for the development of their client's career that he follow the same path as many other notable Luciferian musicians such as; Nicki Minaj, Madonna, Jay Z, Usher, Kesha, Katie Perry, Robert Johnson (the original muso satanist 1930's blues guitarist) and, let's not forget, good old Bob Dylan himself.

Lucifer laughed from his offices situated at 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC, 'Ha ha. Poor Mr West. And the rest of them. Whoever would have thought the Devil would be a liar? Idiots! I gave more talent to that obedient little boy Ice Tea than all of them put together. Well apart from Mr Dylan but he had such a way with words. Though I still got him with that awful harmonica. As far as Kay... Key... Kya... (fuck it!) Mr West is concerned I don't know what he's complaining about? At least he's got everything he ever imagined: To be a talentless dunce who can't tuck his shirt in properly that makes an arsehole out of himself whenever he picks up a microphone and who's married to the most vacuous woman on the planet. All I got was his bloody soul. With the way the secondhand soul market is looking these days you'd get more for an old dustbin bag full of nappies that's been pecked open by the seagulls and has a hole a both ends.'


[EXPOSED] Kanye West Admits He Sold His Soul To The Devil

by Crime ≠ Politics
  • 4 years ago
  • 7,165 views
Law, facts & documentation on Obama / Bush crimes:http://komigen.tripod.com/la


  1. Bob Dylan Admits He Sold His Soul to the Devil - YouTube

    1. www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqvvOD4bdRs
      15 Oct 2009 - Uploaded by evilindustrydotcom
      Bob Dylan Admits He Sold His Soul to the Devil in an interview on 60 Minutes http://evilindustry.com.
      Missing: oil

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Media Slurp

Oh no you don't! Sun's new 'classy feel' 
Sun Bans Tits From Page Three But Ensures They Keep Running Paper

The laughing Nazi's favourite UK redtop 'The Sun' has finally banned tits from page three but not wanting to let all its trusted traditions go at once has ensured they keep running the paper.

International tithead, arch media villain and owner Rupert Murdoch explained the thinking behind ditching the 44 year old tradition, cackling from his Tasmanian cave, 'There was a rumour about  feminism or something boosting circulation. Anyway, fuck your traditions. I already have more publications than the new weather supercomputer can count all plastered with enough hardcore porn to make a football stadium full of Madonnas die from heart attacks. Remember, I will do anything for money. Literally anything. I mean absolutely anything at all. Never ever think there is something I will not do for a few more quid. Whatever you can imagine - and even things that you dare not even think - I will do. Heh, heh.'

Ex Sun editor and media nipple Piers Morgan threw his worthless opinion into the news bin bleating, 'Nothing lasts forever folks. Even my incredible career as a TV presenter was bound to end one day when someone realised that my opinions and indeed my entire life, philosophy, outlook and complete belief system are utterly meaningless.'

Joey Essex, the UK's biggest dunce, general tit and all-round towney idiot, widely considered to be in pole position to become the paper's new editor, joined in the vibrant moral polemic tweeting from a yoyo shop, 'Am I me?'

Danny 'Double D cup' Davis, page three glamour photographer for the last twenty years, coughed from his filthy cellar in London's Soho then wiped his hands on his grubby vest, put out his cigarette in a half-eaten Chinese meal and wheezed, 'Actually the truth is every old slapper in the country who would get their norks out for a fiver, and their mum, had been splattered over page three. It was a case of going back through the list or getting some right ugly slags in from China. We had literally scraped the bottom of the country's dirty barrel so many times it had fallen off.'

Fans of the Sun's blatant sexual objectification of women will not be entirely downhearted as it has been revealed that the paper's management are planning a new 'classy' 'feel' for the slimy old rag. Now only meaningful photos of women will be published frolicking on the beach wearing minuscule bikinis or having their genitalia covered with cakes, pets and other sexy household objects. High-ups at the 'Current Bun' claim that this proves, once and for all, that they do not consider women merely as sexual objects but recognise they're integral role in society as other useful things like shelving, kennels or wine racks.



  1. What to do with Page 3? - YouTube

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLYOdm1_gik

    17 Feb 2013 - Dark Corners Reviews. SubscribeSubscribed ... "What To Do With Page 3" Written by Lucy Cox @lucyisawesome. Featuring Lucy Cox Gemma ...
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Media Slurp



Prince Andrew 'Building trust'
Prince Andrew Sentenced To Community Service As Girl's School Lollipop Man After Offering Guilty Plea For US Peodo Crimes

Prince Andrew has been sentenced to ten months community service as a lollipop man at an American girl's school after offering a guilty plea for committing under-age sex crimes in the US. The judge in the case Sir Henry Seedymoore Digby James, UK expat, dual-nationality, old Etonian and friend of the Queen, her staff and family, Prince Andrew himself and other leading establishment figures in the US and UK, made the offer to the sex-obsessed royal who is fourth in line to the throne while visiting a lap dancing club with him over the weekend.

Judge Seedymoore Digby James told reporters, 'Andrew's demanding roll as lollipop man at the Young Wayward Girl's School in Farmville Virginia will give him the chance to build trust between himself and the public and also several of the pupils. Everyone should understand that, far from being lenient, this is a harsh sentence as the grueling job includes two one hour shifts per day where the Prince would be kept more than busy giving the young girls a helpful pat on the bottom across the road while holding his all important lollipop for them before filling his I phone with their numbers so he could mentor them on a more personal level at a later date.'

Advisers close to Prince Andrew have hinted that the royal figure has asked what would be required for the sentence to be increased to twelve months in order for him to 'build very real bridges with the local Farmville community' where the school for young wayward girls is located and, of course, for him to protect the pupils from the very real dangers they face on the streets.




  1. Prince Andrew named in US underage sex lawsuit - YouTube

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9PO10LXHQo
    2 days ago - Uploaded by 24Hrs BreakingNews
    A woman who claims an American investment banker loaned her to rich and powerful friends as an underage ...
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Media Slurp

Madonna; 'Look at my breats! Look at my God damn breats!
Madonna Sticks One, And Then Another One, In The Eye Of Global Misogyny By Flopping Out Her Norks

Pro Israeli mother of four, child catcher and 'entertainer' Madonna stuck one, and then another one, in the eye of global misogyny yesterday by flopping out her photoshopped norks for the world media. Her 14 year old son Rocco is rumoured to be 'very proud' of his mother's unquenchable thirst for trashy naked exhibitionism and is not thought to be having the piss taken out of him behind his back at school for the next two thousand years whatsoever.

Madonna, who appeared at the 2013 super bowl imitating Bampomet, the God of evil - commonly known as Lucifer, is said to be considering doing a gash shot at Christmas sending out a pro feminism message to all her female fans across the world. When the 56 year old business woman and author of some of the most throwaway pop bilge in human history was asked if she did not think the photographs a little cheap see screamed, 'Anyone who questions my constant media whoring will be silenced with exactly the same kind of perverted political correctness that is used to condemn critics of Israel's murderous apartheid regime and either accused of being a misogynist or antisemitic. Resistance is useless! Look at my breasts! Look at my God damn breasts!'



  1. Madonna İstanbul 2012 göğüs show tits - YouTube

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=G68rPIeOI_0

    10 Jun 2012 - Uploaded by The Magazin News
    Madonna İstanbul 2012 göğüs show tits. <a href="/channel/UCkY9iOaVo5b65LnYqDP-xTQ" class=" yt ...
    Missing: photoshopped
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Media Slurp

Man Locked In Waterstones' Dungeon To Read Game Of Throwns 4 Escapes Alive

Waterstones reading dungeon; 'Vile Torture'
Last night David Willis a US tourist escaped from a dungeon in Waterstones on Trafalgar Square where he had been held captive by staff and forced to read the fourth and most boring edition of 'Game of Throwns.' It is thought poor sales and the fact that nobody had actually finished the book compelled employees to commit the vile torture and that Willis, who escaped by using his copy of the novel to bludgeon his guards to death, was lucky to escape with his life.

 The terrified tourist ran straight to the nearest branch of Costa Coffee and gasped, 'I only went in there last Friday for a large Mocha but when I asked for a smiley face in it everything went black and I woke up in the dungeon with the book on a table in front of me. It was obvious what they wanted me to do. Christ! The first one was bad enough and I couldn't finish that. I lied like everyone else that I had read it and just watched the TV series instead. But the fourth one OMG! It nearly bored me to death. Now I just want to go home.'

 It is believed the producers of 'Game of Throwns' are considering turning MR Willis's extraordinary adventures into a five-part TV series starring Bruce Willis as the mild-mannered book fan who has to break out of a bewildering series of bookshop dungeons, using a selection of books as weapons, to overcome an evermore complicatedly named array of staff members. 'Game of Books I 'Slow Beginnings' will be coming out next autumn.

Search Results


  1. Tourist who was LOCKED in Waterstones for ... - YouTube

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgFFJ8-4apc
    4 days ago - Uploaded by YouTube WebTV13
    David Willis was trapped in a London branch of the bookshop speaks to Good Morning Britain The man who ...

  1. Where Season 4 Of "Game Of Thrones" Went Wrong

    www.buzzfeed.com/.../where-season-4-of-game-of-thrones-went-wrong

    16 Jun 2014 - Over the course of its uneven fourth season, Game of Thrones lost ....How did a season with such a staggering body count turn out so boring?
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Media Slurp

TOWIE sex object McCann distraught earlier
Fern McCann Distraught After Topless Selfie She Posted Is Reposted 
TOWIE dunce sex object Fern McCann is said to be distraught after a topless selfie that she posted on the internet was reposted on the internet. The remedial celebrity sobbed, 'I can't believe that someone reposted the picture of me with my tits out what I posted. It was meant to be private between me and two hundred of my mates. How can this be happening to me?'

McCann's agent Charlie Shitstaine spoke for his client, 'What has the world come to when a beautiful young women can't post naked soft porn photos of herself getting her breasts out on the internet without some unscrupulous villain reposting it? This is a tragic and sad day for the entire human race. My only hope is that civilisation in general can recover from this dreadful moment in world history.'

When asked if the leak was good publicity for the new series of TOWIE, Shitstaine replied, 'At this moment my thoughts are with my client who is, of course, devastated by the awful news of the reposting. But I'm sure it will not put her off recording the new show which coincidentally comes out this Autumn when viewers will be able to almost see the genitalia of the stars they have been looking at on the internet for the past two months.'


  1. Ferne McCann @fernemccann Instagram photos | Websta ...

    websta.me › Posts of @fernemccann

    lifogg @fernemccann look at your direct messages, I sent you something important 19h. courtneygani_ I think your a .... 3d fernemccann. Video Ferne McCann.
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Media Slurp

Gelder; in two minds about infidelity
Woman Marries Herself Then Seeks Divorce Claiming Irreconcilable Differences And Infidelity

Grace Gelder the UK's first woman to marry herself has filed for divorce claiming irreconcilable differences and infidelity as the reasons. It is thought that cracks in the relationship started last weekend when Gelder allegedly asked a local man if he would be interested in having a threesome with her and her wife.

Six years of maddening loneliness forced Mrs Gelder to marry herself but now the romance has been ruined with the honeymoon only weeks old and her heartbroken wife claiming, 'We obviously don't want the same thing anymore.'

The local man is said to be confused at his part in the affair and commented, 'Bollocks! I thought I was up for a 'menage a trois' but then when I realised Glender was actually two women (her and her wife) I just didn't know where to put myself. If you see what I mean? She's obviously totally mental!'


  1. If men don't stack up, marry yourself - World News

    article.wn.com/view/2014/10/.../If_men_don_t_stack_up_marry_yoursel...

    13 hours ago - Grace Gelder even 'proposed' to herself on a park bench and. ... Fed up of being single, woman marries self ... Marry You - Bruno Mars Lyrics. 3:51 .... Inside information: four female TV detectives reveal the tricks of the trade.

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Media Slurp

Tony Blackburn Slammed By BBC Bosses After Releasing Jingle Declaring; 'Tony Blackburn! The Only Original BBC DJ That Hasn't Been Done For Child Abuse!'

Ageing Disk Jockey; Too Edgy.
Tony Blackburn was slammed today by BBC bosses after releasing a jingle declaring, 'Tony Blackburn. The only original BBC DJ that hasn't been done for child abuse!' The ageing disc jockey was unavailable for comment but his manager defended the jingle claiming, 'We wanted something edgy in keeping with Tony's  off the wall sound and at least it is technically correct. He is the only original BBC DJ that hasn't been done for child abuse.'

After the prosecutions of so many of the original BBC DJ's it is easy to understand the rational behind the jingle as it is the only statistic that makes Blackburn's career stand out in anyway but it is thought the risky strategy was thought to be just on the wrong side of the good taste boundary by high ups at Old Auntie.


0:24

BBC Radio 1 - Top 40 Show - Tony Blackburn clip - 1981

Radio legend Tony Blackburn took over the Top 40 show from Simon Bates and brought a fresh new sound with two new themes; 
  • HD
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Media Slurp

Happiness Mounts As World's Five Most Hated Men Near Certain Death


D. Rockefella favourite to die first.

 Record levels of happiness have been recorded in normal people around the globe eagerly awaiting the deaths of the world's five most hated men. David Rockefella 99, is tipped as favourite to die first at 2:1, with Prince Phillip 93 and  Henry Kissinger 91, joint second favourites both at 4:1 and George Bush Senior 90, along with Jacob Rothschild 78; rank outsiders.

Pablo Senna, deck chair attendant from San Paulo Brazil, laughed, 'I have bet two weeks wages ($35) on that dirty dog David Rockefella to die before the others. My entire family and all our friends and everyone we've ever met all hate him so much it will bring us much happiness. We don't usually gamble not even on the lottery but this is so much fun. I even allowed my five year old son Pablo Jnr to bet his pocket money on all five slimy bastards going together. At 10 000: 1 it would bring us enough money to buy an enormous house for everyone we know but it would not be the money that was important of course. That is how much we hate those bastards.'

Lucca Rolano a taxi driver from Barcelona Spain said, 'I am looking forward to the deaths of these sons of bitches so much that I am finding it hard to sleep at night. I wanted it to be Kissinger first because I hate him the most. Everybody in Spain hates him with a particularly passionate Spanish hatred. But if it is one of the others first is does not matter as long as they all die soon.'

Kathy Lego a newsagent from Doncaster rubbed her hands together and chuckled, 'Rockefella, Kissinger, Bush old Phillip and Jacob too. Brilliant! There are so many wonderful deaths to look forward too. I hoping that one of twats goes at Christmas. That would be nice for all the family.'

The views of MR Senna and Rolano and those of Mrs Lego are thought to be widely shared by all sane people everywhere around the world and international interest for the exciting 'Race of Certain Death,' continues to gather pace.




  1. David Rockefeller dead 2014 - Mediamass

    en.mediamass.net/people/david-rockefeller/deathhoax.html

    News of business man David Rockefeller's death spread quickly earlier this week causing concern among fans across the world. However the September 2014  ...
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