|Savile's close relationship with the Conservatives never in doubt|
In a week which saw a record ten point opinion poll slide for the Conservatives after they mistakenly revealed their plans to steal houses from dying pensioners, another problem is developing which threatens to further derail the Tory gravy express train from reaching Downing Street station. A new Conservative advertisement, intended to enhance public support during the all-important election buildup, has catastrophically backfired after 'out of touch' Tory officials disastrously chose, as their poster boy, notorious pervert, child molester and infamous BBC DJ, Jimmy Savile. Mr Savile was always a proud lifelong friend and ally of the Conservatives as the photograph attests and shared all their core values - it is even rumoured that Margaret Thatcher offered him a front row bench position as child welfare ambassador during her terrifying 10 year reign which the celebrity turned down, due to other 'important, but similar,' projects he was working on.
However, whilst Savile's close relationship with the Conservatives was never in doubt the decision to select him as the personality starring in their nationwide election ad-campaign certainly is. Lord Tristan Fortesque Bottomly Smythe (88), ex-Cambridge Latin Scholar currently in charge of Tory election PR, attempted to quell the storm surrounding the controversy, 'Et tu Brute? Oh... never mind. Look, I don't know what all the fuss is about. I'm afraid I don't own a televisual set - well I do but it's secreted behind the harpsichord in the west drawing room and so, consequently, I'm rather behind in - what's it called these days; street credit? Anyway, I must have recognised his [Savile's] face from somewhere - God knows where? - probably an old 1970's Jackie annual which I somehow successfully managed to conceal from mother - and so I naturally assumed he was one of those pop musician types. You see, this is exactly what we [the Tories] need right now; someone who is hep, or, as I overheard someone say the other day, going down on the kids. Someone who can reach out and touch those youngsters that Conservatives have historically always had a problem handling. Edward Heath for example. I seem to remember he always had a problem with youngsters. Anyway, apparently he was discovered as one of these awful pedophile types. Saville that is. Not Heath - Ha, ha. No, no, and now everything's rather blown up in our faces. We're still bound to win though. Usque ad caeruleum as we used to cry out when vigorously fagging in the dorms. Oh yes. Excuse me. Let me translate for your comprehensively educated ears - Up the blues!'
Jeremy Corbyn was busy spinning on his back at a breakdance competition in London's trendy Shoreditch with grime rappers JME and Lowkey, but, as usual, had time to give us his refreshingly honest opinion and dropped some lyrics, 'Respect. This offensive and preposterous mistake by the Tories shows how out of touch they really are. This is why the UK public must vote for a new leadership which truly reflects their wishes, their culture, their dreams and their aspirations, not the aspirations and dreams of the corporate concerns lurking behind the Conservatives. In many ways Mr Savile is representative of the Tory government. He was also part of a self-serving, tiny clique which had no one's best interests at heart, to say the least. He was also morally destitute, a pathological liar, had obnoxious political opinions, even worse friends and, as the Tories' latest advert proves, he also shared their terrible dress sense. Remember, government for the many not the few. Vote Labour!'