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| Abu Qatada can hear ticking in head |
Security Services Release New Qatada Fear Weapon Claiming He Is 'Ready To Blow'
In an lazer-guided explosion of media attention new fear weapon Abu Qatada was released yesterday from high-security Long Lartin prison in Worcestershire.
Tellingly, the preacher left undercover of darkness confirming vampire fears already spread by the authorities. Security spokesmen have said they are 'pleased' with the way his extensive six and-a-half year training stint has gone, alerting us to the fact that the lunatic cleric has been able to hear 'ticking noises' in his head and is now fully 'ready to blow'.
In an lazer-guided explosion of media attention new fear weapon Abu Qatada was released yesterday from high-security Long Lartin prison in Worcestershire.
Tellingly, the preacher left undercover of darkness confirming vampire fears already spread by the authorities. Security spokesmen have said they are 'pleased' with the way his extensive six and-a-half year training stint has gone, alerting us to the fact that the lunatic cleric has been able to hear 'ticking noises' in his head and is now fully 'ready to blow'.
One of his top-level security guards, who had no idea of what highly-classified meant, told us, 'We certainly put him threw his paces while he was inside. We would show him a picture of Tony Blair at feeding time and not give him any food until he had ripped the photograph to pieces with his teeth. Another game our bosses told us to play with him was to show him a picture of the Olympic stadium every half an hour and then hit him with a stick. God knows why? All this counter-intelligence stuff is a bit Greek to me.'
Plans to allow the 'human bomb' two hours of freedom from scrutiny a day were described by an unknown man from MI5 who rang us on the telephone speaking with a cloth over his mouth as, 'Just long enough'.Baroness Marsha Digsby Beckingsdaleworth, head of the committee to develop security concerns in previously benign zones, said, 'We don't want to the public to think we have wasted £10 000 worth of tax payers money per day on this individual for nothing. When we got him he was totally nonthreatening man in pajamas that your grandma could have beaten up but now he's a lean, mean killing machine with a special bullet proof beard and capable of scaring the shit out of half the people in the country at once.'
Today, after the release, 20 000 English old women and children noticed increased levels of anxiety while they were needlessly searched at the country's airports. National security forces reported they were 'powerless' to stop 51 year-old Mr Qatada who was forced to go shopping and then make a cup of tea by remote control from a secret MOD bunker somewhere near Luton.
