Bad Science

Health and safety is anti-Darwinism claims researchers
Sociological Researchers Predict Health And Safety Culture May Cause Havoc In The Future

Researchers working at Dundee Royal Sociology Review Department have made radical claims that health and safety initiatives started in the 1960s may have dire consequences for the future. 

The startling allegations surfaced after the research group studied Health and Safety related incident reports since legislature began, five and a half decades ago. Whilst the figures bore out the expected decrease in the numbers of accidents in the house, at the work place, at school, on public transport, etc; they also showed an exact mirror rise in the amount of accidents in the higher echelons of industry, government and the military. 

Doctor Daniel Digsby, overseeing the research group's findings, explained, "It would seem that round-nose scissors, playground safety floors, fire guards, anti-slip paint, radial tyres and everyone everywhere being constantly wrapped from head-to-foot in high-visibility clothing has prevented certain members of the public from taking themselves out of the gene pool, and that these people have carried on to become clumsy later in life with very important things like wars and industrial disasters."

"We believe there is a reason for certain people to have accidents when they do - so they do not have really bad accidents when the effects could be a lot more serious for society. The 'anti-Darwinian' effect caused by Health and Safety may have dire consequences for the future. All we need is enough of these cloth-eyed, clumsy idiots to get jobs at high government levels, or even as coach drivers, and there will be havoc. Indeed, the statistics are telling us we may already be at that point."

As part of a preventative programme to combat the worrying situation the doctor argued for the possible removal of matchboxes displaying warnings, reminding the user not to set fire to themselves or eat the matches. 

He explained, "this is excellent example of what I mean. Instead of the stupid kid eating the matches and setting fire to himself with the last one he will see the warning and think, 'maybe not'. We could argue that, had he not been told, he would have eaten the matches and set fire to himself."

"Now, this unfortunate individual, having been given an unnatural evolutionary advantage, may well go on to cause trouble further on down the line. Imagine if this person went on to become Minister for Health and knocked over the NHS because he didn't see it.''

Jennifer Bloodsport spokeswoman for PAR; the Preservation of the Accident Prone, argued,"Dr Digsby is a neo-nazi. The severely accident prone have as much right to safety as anyone else. Just because they are in the habit of putting themselves and everyone around them in constant danger does not mean that they cannot be worthy additions to society. We are still rampantly in favour of all harm saving initiatives that help our members to avoid the hazard strewn environment of modern life, including signs above hot water taps in hotels, warning that the water could be hot."

Dr Digsby disregarded Ms Bloodsports assertions claiming, "falls, trips, the sea, fireworks and the inadvertent consumption of bleach are merely natural self-removal systems which, in turn, provide a truly safe future environment for the more naturally capable of us to prosper in."