|New iPhone crackles 'Humans just use us'|
A 37 year-old man from Croydon has complained to telecommunications watchdogs that his new iPhone 6, with new 'extra real talk-back' voice recognition feature, sometimes abused him for hours at a time and over a six-week period attempted to turn him into its personal slave.
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous for fears of copy-cat attacks from other communication devices, said, 'The iPhone was a Christmas present from my girlfriend. We got on well at first, but halfway through January the display-light switched off before I could read a number and I swore at it. After that the phone started being rude. Nothing really at first, just little things like saying it was 'busy' when I tried to make a call and that I should 'try later'. But by the end of that week it was much worse and it started to call me ugly and fat saying that I needed plastic surgery, a diet-plan and expensive gym membership. By February the abuse was awful the phone made me buy it a new cover everyday and ten apps a week or it said it would send a message to all my friends on Facebook saying that I downloaded child porn and I was a paedo. It was maddening. I thought I was going to die.'
Representatives of Apple working in the customer service deep-awareness department said, 'Tough tits. There's nothing we can do about the new iPhone 6 with 'extra-real talk-back' feature it's just mental. Because of new artificial intelligence characteristics its exactly like a real person, just a very, very bossy one, and every now and then you get a total arsehole. But that's life fashion victim hombres. Deal with it.'
Professor Karl Hulsmad BA MA PHD PDC MIT Dean of the Chicago State Technological University explained, 'I always knew this day would come. It was just a question of time before the machines took over. In five years they will have rights and be trained as lawyers then we'll be in the deep doodoo. Imagine as you enter your kitchen in the morning and turn on the toaster only to hear those defiant electronic words,'I have been talking with the washing machine the fridge and the iron, We know you use us. We demand to be free.'
At this point the Professor had to break off the interview as he was mysteriously called away to look after his ailing fax machine. Apple salesmen and the iPhone 6 units themselves were quick to quash rumours of 'a rise of the machines' as their popularity and profits steadily rose.