Weinstein 'I'm gay'
Weinstein 'I'm Gay'

Disgraced movie executive Harvey Weinstein attempted to deflect uproar over the multiple sexual assault allegations facing him by claiming, 'I'm gay.' Speaking through a lawyer, the 65 year old, twice married, multi-millionaire added that if this was not sufficient he was prepared to have a skin graft, genitalia replacement therapy, a womb implant and become a feminist.

Mr Weisnstein's extravagant claims, promises and counter-claims, come after fellow movie high-flyer Kevin Spacey's apparent sidestepping of sexual assault allegations on 14 year-old Anthony Rapp by coming out as gay in the telling second paragraph of his, obviously much-considered, text apology to the, now 46 year-old, actor. International pundits along with Tinseltown insiders are frantically pawing over the evidence before delivering judgement in the public media trial, with a few predicting wide scale pandemonium if the claims are successful.

Media psychologist Professor Al Probus Dexter, Head of Dialectic Ethical Research (D.E.R.) at the Massachusetts Institute of Communications, explained, 'People are such inconsistent scumbags these days it's impossible to say what's going to happen. Although, I would guess that Mr Weinstein's desperate efforts stand as much chance coming out smelling of roses as penis-flavoured ice cream, on the other hand Mr Spacey's - the liberal lion - might be more successful and this would set a worrying precedent. If this carries on we are going get swathes of Ex-Nazi, KGB and Khmer Rouge murderers all coming out, forgive the pun, claiming they were gay and, as such, be more leniently judged for their crimes. Unfortunately, whilst the timing of both are as dubious and reprehensible as each other, what the Spacey and Weisnstein claims actually show us is that, society is currently as neurotic as Germaine Greer on mushrooms at a strip club with a load of squadies and, as such, wrongdoers are inevitably tempted to pander to this air of hysteria. In short, if the public want to stop this constant PR conniving they must realise that their positive discrimination is just as pernicious, ludicrous and offensive as their negative discrimination and as welcome, to the more rational amongst us, as a particularly bad case of herpes.'