The Stuffing 'Em Post: Westminster Village/ Hall

Westminster Village/ Hall

Home Secretary Concedes 'UK Full Of Marauding Gangs Of Illegal Immigrants, Sex Offenders and Hardened Criminals That Can't Be Accounted For'

Theresa May: UK Full of unaccountable criminals

Home Secretary Theresa May has conceded, 'The UK is full of gangs of marauding illegal immigrants, sex offenders and hardened criminals that could not be accounted for.' When asked what these people were doing in the country in the first place the senior official shrugged, 'They escaped into the countryside and towns as soon as they came here though we have no idea when that was. They could be anywhere for all we know. You might even be sitting next to one now.'

It is thought Government mandarins first believed the gangs would eventually seek refuge in the country's lax prison service as it would let them come and go as they pleased, give them a roof over their head, three good meals a day and plenty of furniture to smash up in a riot and lots of open spaces in which they could have a good maraud. But now it seems 90% of the unaccounted criminals have taken their chances trying to make it on their own in UK society.

When the Home Secretary was challenged about the fact that this left 'blood on hands' of government officials she sighed, "What's new? The government is already spending £3 Billion a year on Kleenex to remove unwanted blood stains from their hands but now this figure will have to be increased.'