The Stuffing 'Em Post: Sport Crime

Football fans watching a match earlier

Scientists Allege Football is 'Time Robbery' After New Software Proves The Sport Is Boring

Scientists working in neurological research laboratory at Birmingham University have developed new software proving that 99.96% of football is boring. The revolutionary software measured the brain activity of five thousand subjects comparing serotonin levels from one daily experience to another, registering anything that triggered less frontal lobe activity than a normal bowel movement as 'boring'. Athletics was found the only sport more boring with horse racing and extreme gardening coming in third and fourth respectively.

A schoolboy near Durham first raised concerns that football was boring over a hundred years ago when he was forced to play the game in the snow and fouled heavily because some girls were watching. Finbar Brush, a post-graduate neurologist representing the laboratory team, whispered, 'There's no doubt about it; football is very rarely better than having a good shit. It's time robbery. Pure and simple.'

Shilton: 'Wasted my life'

Mr Brushes team went on to conclude that successive re-branding initiatives and the even Brazilians failed to make football more interesting throughout the turn of the century. Now the sport is heavily reliant on the spread of mass low-expectational social strategies, neo-tribal brand loyalty and the uncontrolled consumption of alcohol to sustain its shaky profile.

Speaking from his mock Tudor cottage in Surrey Peter Shilton, ex-England goal keeper from the 70's, said, 'It always seemed like such good fun at the time. But now I've seen this computer evidence for myself, at the end of the day, I feel I've wasted my life.'