The Stuffing 'Em Post: Westminster Village/ Pond

Westminster Village/ Pond

Dilley: 'Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't'

Dilley Drowns Under Critical Deluge Over 'Floodgate'

A sun-kissed Sir Philip Dilley bobbed up yesterday in front of a select committee investigating the recent flooding and promptly drowned under a deluge of criticism. Attempting to keep his head above the waves of negative comments regarding his absence during Christmas when 16 000 homes across the country were flooded, or 'Floodgate' as it has come to be known, Sir Philip wallowed, "Maybe it would have been better if I had been here in this country to do my job as opposed to five thousand miles away in Barbados."

The insightful life peer who is paid £100000 a year to work three days a week, famous for his big ideas and even bigger holidays, floundered, "My biggest regret is that I was caught skiving under a palm tree when, of course, this took away from the real focus which is the people who have had the homes washed away. Though it has occurred to me that had they had the foresight to buy two houses like me then they could simply have gone to the other one to dry out. Either that or jumped on board a jet and charged the tax payer to fly them to a beach in the Caribbean where, I can assure you, there was no flooding at all but day after day of warm tropical sunshine."

Swimming against the tide of public opinion and the storm of accusations raining down upon him Dilley, David Cameron's ex-business adviser, spouted, "I was in nearly constant contact with other members of the Environment Agency and worked slavishly from my beach hut, sometimes even having to put down one of my Pina Coladas to answer the phone. One thing is certain; the freshwater mussels that we [the Environment Agency] saved after spending £2 million on flood defenses to protect them probably taste a lot nicer than the people who drowned. But no one will mention that will they? Oh no. That's because in my job you're dammed if you do and you're dammed if you don't."