The Stuffing 'Em Post: Westminster Village/ People

Westminster Village/ People

£98 000 of UK Tax payer's money well spent

Osbourne's 'Standing Consultant' Paid £10 000 Per Inch

George Osbourne's PR guru, or more precisely 'standing consultant', has received a whopping 42% rise for advising him to increase the distance between his feet by four inches when giving a speech. This takes Thea Rogers' wages to an enormous £98 000 a year, up by roughly £40 000 a fee top-level mathematicians have calculated cost the UK tax payer approximately £10 000 per inch.

Ms Rogers was unavailable to comment about the ridiculous wage hike but instead paid her spokesperson a similarly ludicrous amount to say on her behalf, "It wasn't just Mr Osbourne's new wider 'akimbo' posture to which Thea has devoted so much of her expensive time but she also picked him out a £27.50 haircut from Tony and Guy and, importantly, she has personally devised George's dynamic 5:2 diet that has seen him shed an entire stone and a half in barely two months."

When asked to reveal the secret of this new strict dietary plan Ms Rogers' spokesperson bleated, "Oh, it's very simple really. The Chancellor must snort cocaine for five days out of seven then spend the other two in bed taking Neurofen and holding his head in his hands rocking backwards and forwards and feeling like a bag of shite. Oh yes. The pounds have just flown off."

Derrick Iratus a dustman from Newcastle who has been told by Mr Osbourne that, along with every other low-paid public sector worker in the country, he would be having his wages frozen for the next four years gritted his teeth and seethed, "There's one benefit of the sweaty-faced, crackhead, greasy, little ponce standing like a electric pylon that's shat itself and that's at least now a hundred people will be able to kick the lying turd in the bollocks at once and so hard that his worthless nuts fly out and land on David Cameron's fucking dinner plate where that two-faced, waste of his father's spunk can eat them mashed for his sodding supper. Ta."