The Stuffing 'Em Post: Bad Science

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Bad Science

S-S.H.I.T.E.R.R. bot about to mate with box

Defective Robots To Replace Top US Politicians

Hopes of AI machines taking our jobs received another kick in its titanium groin yesterday when Boston Dynamics' disastrous program to build a shelf-stacking robot ended in failure. (see video below). Top US scientists have now decided the only workers that robots can realistically replace are US politicians.

Head of Robotics at Boston Dynamics Hans Creosote PHD, frowned, 'We've spent $700,000,000 developing the Shelf-Stacker Hyper Independence Technical Employee Replacement Robot (S-S.H.I.T.E.R.R.) but every time we turn it on all it does is knock down the boxes then tries to mate with them. Our backers were anxious to recoup their investment so they decided the only job on earth low-skilled enough for our defective robots to replace were US politicians. A deal was quickly completed with the Un-human Resources Centre of the Federal Government and the robots will be phased in during the Senator's summer holidays. Er ...Good luck!'

A White House aid commented that Mike Pence, Rex Tillerson and, of course, President Donald Trump himself are 'first in line for replacement', adding, 'Before the new defective robots come on line, due to the volatile political situation in Charlottesville and North Korea, new interactive Mickey Mouse talking dolls will be purchased from Amazon and used instead as a precautionary measure.'
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The Boston Dynamics' team have already fitted their new replacement 'bots' with ground-breaking clapping software and extra long-life Duracell batteries in preparation for Benjamin Netanyahu's next state visit where it is hoped that they will be able to perform the obligatory 33 standing ovations without exploding and bursting into flames. Other necessary attributes, including random sentence generation, jerky hand gestures and illogical press conferences, were said to be 'well underway' with one team member suggesting, strictly off the record, 'Haven't you been watching TV recently? The Shelf-Stacker Hyper Independence Technical Employee Replacement Robot might not be able to put one box on top of another without making a total dick out of itself but it's not that bad.'

Hapless Boston Dynamics robot in shelf-stacking fail - video ...

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https://www.theguardian.com › Technology › Robots

3 days ago

This outtake was part of a TED talk demonstrating the advances made by formerly Google-owned Boston ...

All Seeing Trump Speaks - Donald Trump Robot Funny Vines

10 months ago
4,235 views

Funny video - Trump is a fortuneteller to foresee everything? Donald Trumpwins presidency and creates a robot army, Donald ...

Here's a video of Donald Trump playing the accordion (it's very good ...

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www.classicfm.com/discover.../donald-trump-accordion-meme/

14 Jan 2017

President-elect Donald Trump with some accordion accompaiment, played by. ... He's known for his ...

Bad Science

Scientists establish link between toast and death

All Food Causes Cancer!

This is the frightening discovery of new research carried out by the UK's finest scientists which establishes a link between roast potatoes, toast and death. Since roast potatoes and toast were the last food stuffs not to have been already considered fatal after life-threatening health risks were discovered in wine, beer, salt, pepper, red meat, white meat, transparent meat, fish, wheat, carbs, low carbs, non-carbs, cheese, pasta, milk, sugar, tea, coffee, cocoa, monosodium glutamate, ketchup, chips, gurkins, e-numbers, gravy, ferrero rochette, blue smarties and even the candles on birthday cakes, now it is a scientifically proven fact that all food causes cancer.

The only food products still remaining on the 'safe' list are kale and bottled water and, although there was a surge in kale prices on open markets after the report was released, it was soon pointed out that kale was not proper food at all as it possessed less flavour than a dream about cotton wool.

Author of the report Doctor Harold H. Isteria PHD babbled forebodingly, 'I was educated at Oxford at a cost of over half a million pounds this survey cost at least fifty times that so I must be right. I know that we [the scientific community] have made some ludicrous claims before but this time I am double extra positive certain that we are right. Cross my heart and hope to die but the existence of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAH's) in cooked or smoked food means that eating a piece of burnt toast is now exactly the same as putting a gang of fully armed terrorists in your mouth and swallowing. Complete madness!'

Although members of the scientific community are highly confident about their findings not all UK citizens are convinced and when William Barry Brown (52) a wheelbarrower at a furnace in Barrow-in-Furness was told that his $6.95p full monty breakfast; two bacon, two sausages, two eggs, three hash browns, fried mushrooms, black pudding and two pieces of killer toast contained enough deadly cancer inducing polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons to kill half the population of Wales, he chewed contemplatively before saying, 'Pah!'

Why you shouldn't worry about eating burnt toast and roast potatoes ...

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www.liverpoolecho.co.uk › ... › Liverpool News › Health and fitness

2 days ago

Video thumbnail, Could overcooking some foods cause cancer ? ... There is concern around burnt toast and ...

Bad Science

Artist's impression of new wind powered subs

Sturgeon Proposes Wind Powered Subs To Offset Nuclear Workers

In a surprise move today SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon proposed a new fleet of unarmed wind powered nuclear submarines be built by BAE employees in Barrow-in-Furness. The shock announcement has come after shadow leader Jeremy Corbyn also stated his wishes to see the UK relinquish its existing Trident weapons systems but not inflict lay-offs amongst existing nuclear workers.

Leading pro-war supporters including: the BBC, The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Times, The Guardian, The Telegraph, ITV, Channel 4, Dave, The Living Channel, Facebook, USA, Israel, Katie Hopkins, friends of Jimmy Savile and all Waitrose customers hit the proverbial roof upon hearing Ms Sturgeon's remarks and flew immediately off the handle, chorusing as one, "We will die in 45 minutes just as trusted English leader - and not war criminal at all - proud Tony Blair prophesied. However more reasoned individuals including everyone else on the entire planet were quick to point out, "Shut the fuck up you pathological murderous scumbags!"

Defense analysts claimed that due to the new propulsion systems the submarines would lose the all-important tactical element of surprise which has traditionally made them the weapon of choice for psychopathic governments hellbent on terrorizing less well defended countries so they can steal their natural resources. Supporters of the 'green' weapons systems argued that, though the submarines would be significantly slower than their predecessors, because they were unarmed in the first place there was no need for them to reach their targets and, seeing as the only countries that possessed functioning thermonuclear warheads and were stupid enough to use them were Israel and the US who are meant to be on our side anyway, - so what?

Jeremy Corbyn shed light on his policy commenting, "If we have one new 'green' sub on each side of a prospective target, not that I can think of one off hand, then eventually the wind will blow them there. Once arriving at the beachhead a team of young conservatives will be released from the vessels and proceed to bore the citizens of the hostile states to death by preaching their decrepit morality and monkey bollocks rhetoric. Though this means of mass genocide is, of course, far less humane than nuclear holocaust it is far cheaper, a lot more environmentally friendly and will give the Tory scum something to do, which will make them feel, at least, partly useful, once I have won the next election. Now that's what I call a deterrent."

Nicola Sturgeon promises alternative jobs for nuclear workers

www.scotsman.com/.../nicola-sturgeon-promises-alter...
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Il y a 3 jours - Nicola Sturgeon has told nuclear defence workers that the SNP's policy of ... conference in Clydebank, just 20 miles from the nuclear submarine ...

Bad Science

Tory Gene is blue and very, very defective

Scientists Discover Defective Tory Gene

A team of scientists working in a genetic research laboratory in Blackpool are claiming to have isolated the defective gene responsible for determining right-wing political orientation calling it the 'Tory Gene.' The discovery has sparked a far-ranging debate as historically it was always thought that Tories (or anyone with right-wing beliefs) had been dropped on the head as a baby or abused by their parents or were doing it 'on purpose' to spite those around them. The results of the scientists have prompted the idea that, no matter how abhorrent Tories may seem to normal people, they cannot be blamed for their misanthropic, greedy, hypocritical, disingenuous, parasitic, obnoxious behaviour because these antisocial characteristics are due to their genetic makeup and specifically the presence of the Tory Gene.

Professor Mark Blowfelt, overseeing the scientist's work was keen to explain his team's findings, saying, 'Of course were all suspicious of the Conservative gene pool from the beginning. Mainly because no one in their right mind would be a Tory, indicating other biological factors beyond their control. Now we have discovered the Tory Gene everything makes sense. Carriers of the defective gene are merely at the whim of this unbalanced DNA structure much like pedophiles,serial killers, merchant bankers and other psychopaths. This explains their political thinking in general and current policies such as; forcing terminal cancer patients to work, forcing doctors to work seven days a week, Trident, Micheal Gove and their constant need to be at war with as many countries as possible. It would also appear that some Tories have more than one of these troublesome little buggers running around inside them. For example Katie Hopkins' legs and head are probably entirely made out of this substandard biological material.'

Do our genes tell us how to vote? Study of twins says they ...

www.theguardian.com › Science › General election 2015

15 Apr 2015 - Findings indicate that voting Conservative (or not) is strongly influenced by genetics, whereas voting Lib Dem is affected by environment alone.

Political Ideological Genetic Neuro-Anatomy...! - YouTube

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2HIn0qW7Y

21 May 2012 - Uploaded by WarblesOnALot

So, while the Right Wing Militaristic Law & Order Fetishists have Brains designed to be frightened and good at ...

Bad Science

Beard epidemic: terrifying consequences

UK Beard Epidemic Reveals Troubling Rise In 'Group Think'

No one wants to feel left out. So it comes as no surprise that most people will do their utmost to keep up with all the latest trends. Perfectly natural behaviour of course but there is a fine line between following fashion and being its slave. According to the results of a new survey into viral culture and herd mentality, published by world famous anthropologist Professor Malthius, the current beard epidemic sweeping the UK reveals a troubling rise in fashion's more aggressive big brother 'Group Think.'

Professor Malthius was keen to explain the significance of his findings pacing about his laboratory and waving his hands about, 'For some reason Group Think is seen as a good thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Average IQ, when compromised by group dynamics or peer pressure, drops by sixty points. Einstein had an IQ of 150. Meaning that a gang of Einsteins would have had an IQ of 90 and resembled a village idiots convention. As no one in their right mind would normally want to walk down the road looking like King Edward VII we can only conclude that this explosion of beard ownership shows a massive rise in 'Group Think' and the subsequent disturbing fall in mass intellect.'

The UK beard epidemic is thought to have started eighteen months ago on the same week men's trousers, which had been descending and becoming baggier for years, finally started to climb back up and tighten. Now, only a year and a half later, one in four previously clean shaven men are wearing a face rug and their trousers are so tight that the veins can be seen bulging on their testicles.

Profesor Malthius scribbled some equations on a blackboard and clutched his head in his hands gasping, 'Such is the desire for people to be included that I fear they will do anything not to feel left out. However irrational. This worrying trend in herd mentality has terrifying consequences for the future of mankind. For example; if a totalitarian regime was attempting to take over the world whilst committing a series of heinous crimes on its own people, and those of many other countries; such as false flag attacks, unnecessary wars, mass financial fraud and establishing a full sphere dominant military industrial complex, all they would have to do is peddle some bloke around with a beard saying everything was all right and because everyone wanted to 'fit in' they would agree. With this in mind all you have to do is walk up your high street or turn on your TV and there are enough fuzzy faced bum fluff farmers everywhere to prove that independent thinking is a thing of the past. Let's face it, in anthropological terms, we're fucked.'

Join or start a beard club - YouTube

▶ 7:56

www.youtube.com/watch?v=auGqiJ6YbK8

27 May 2014 - Uploaded by Beardbrand

When you join your local beard club you'll find a great group of guys ..... if I recall correctly I think I saw ...

Asch Conformity Experiment For Group Think - YouTube

▶ 19:13

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQdjUjMyEEk

3 Aug 2012 - Uploaded by predoba

The first bearded man is Alan Watt. There are many uploads of his interviews and podcasts on YT. Second man ...

Bad Science

Doomsday cow produces 700 litres of toxic milk a day

Monsanto Quell Fears After Announcing New Doomsday Cow

Monsanto, the deadly transnational chemical manufacturer, attempted to quell fears amongst the scientific community today after revealing its new 'Domesday Cow.' Concern was raised when officials from the US agriculture department spotted the new animal is fully robotic, runs on poisonous lithium batteries and, as well as being able to produce 700 litres of toxic milk a day, has a fully functioning weapons systems.

Doctor Calistro S. S. Battenburg, PHD. MD. head of terrifying experiments at Monsanto, assured members of the press, 'The Doomsday Cow will meet all toxic milk production targets for exactly 1000 hours then, precisely 30 seconds after the warranty runs out, its kevlar udders will automatically self-destruct and you will have to buy another cow from us at fifty times the price, as stipulated in all lifetime contracts.'

When asked what the procedure was for milking the new Doomsday Cow the Doctor replied,'Simply place the old empty carton of milk in the delivery shaft - where the mouth would normally be - then crank the tail once and the carton shoots out of the Doomsday Cow's arse full to the brim with refreshing toxic milk. Farmers should be warned, when operating the tail not to touch the buttocks as this fires the animal's heat-seeking sidewinder missiles.'

Cow Robots Join The Military? - TechHive Update - YouTube

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m1IK2_EBOo

1 Oct 2012 - Uploaded by TechHive Video

Wanna see a robot cow? Well DARPA is building something very similar to just that.

Bad Science

Total fears robbery of escaped gas

Total Announce Toll On Illegally Inhaled Gas From Elgin Field

Less than twenty four hours after Total warned of a dangerous gas leak from it's Elgin platform in the North Sea the company have announced a radical toll scheme for anyone found illegally inhaling their products threatening these individuals with court proceedings if they fail to comply.

The 200 mile wide cloud of butane will shorty be reaching the coast of East Scotland and Total employees have been put on high alert in readiness to monitor members of the public who they suspect of stealing their gas. It is thought that by Thursday 28th March citizens of Aberdeen and Dundee could be forced to set fire to their farts in the street by company spokes personnel who could demand on the spot fines for people with a level of butane in their flatulence that was regarded as 'unnatural.'

Donald McDonald from Total's revenue reclaiming department said, 'These measures are being put in place for the good of the Scottish people ashore. Without these safe guards many might be influenced to steal as much of our escaped gas as they can and run home to put it on their fires. This simply cannot be allowed to happen. If the inhabitants of the East coast of Scotland don't want to get caught in the street with their trousers down, so to speak, by unwittingly breathing in and therefore stealing from our company then they can simply send £99.99 and a stamped addressed envelope to Total UK division 1 Mayfair, London, to receive one of our special company gas masks. Purchasers of these products should allow up to 28 days for delivery and until that time it would be advisable to breath into a plastic bag to avoid prosecution. Plastic bags can be bought from Total petrol stations located in the area.'

Desmond Specker, MP for Dundee East said, 'Having old ladies forced to queue up while they wait to have their farts set on fire in the streets is a small price to pay for protecting local jobs.' He carried on, 'Total company executives have ensured me that only 40% of the people tested for over inhalation of stolen gas will have to do so without the privacy of a cubicle. The rest can be assured that their farts are not calibrated in public.' Mr Specker pointed out that this procedure would only have to be regularly carried out for the next six months then everything would go back to normal with a small 27% rise in local council tax to pay for health and safety initiatives that will take place during the incident, such as the procurement of signs which read, 'Danger Do Not Breath' and 'Gas Hazard.'

Women Set To Get New Bionic Body On NHS

Bad Science

BBC News - Woman considers hand removal for bionic replacement

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17183890

Nicola Wilding hair dryer upgrade?

18 Mar 2012 – Woman considers hand removal for bionic replacement ...
Nerve transplants have returned some movement to her upper arm, but she's been ...

After Nicola Wilding's successful bid to have a damaged hand replaced with a bionic unit on the NHS there have been a spate of similar requests for robot surgery across the country. Now it is believed that a 42 year woman from Ipswich is going to be the first UK resident to have her entire body replaced with a new bionic upgrade.

Sophie Landscape, 42, has complained to NHS officials that her old body is no longer fit for purpose as it is lazy, clumsy, ugly and constantly needs over feeding. For these reasons she believes it would be in everyone's best interests if she simply throws it away and starts again from scratch with her new bionic super body costing £2.2 million.

Speaking from her council flat Miss Landscape explained, "my old body is crap. It keeps spilling my pot noodle on the floor. Now the room is smelly and my dog is getting fat. If I had this new bionic upgrade I could go to sleep at work and my robot body could wake me up when my shift was over. Then we could go home and drink and smoke all night as my digital lungs and liver would never get poorly and die."

Suffolk NHS robot surgery consultants have said they are considering the full body replacement because although they will not be able to recoup the initial outlay for the procedure as Miss Landscape's old body, 'is a worthless bag of soiled organs and withered bones,' they will be able to fit her with new monitoring equipment allowing them to constantly scan the other residents in her 17 storey block of flats compiling valuable medical data on them all.