The Stuffing 'Em Post: Deadly Sales

Deadly Sales

UN: 'Millions of lives will be saved'

'Needlesssly Complicated'
Microsoft Redesign AK47 For UN Peace Bid

The UN has asked Microsoft to redesign the most popular assault rifle of all time, the AK47 (and perhaps other weapons) in an effort to bring about world peace. The decision came when millions of people round the planet were, once again, left screaming at their computers moments after mistakenly installing Windows 10 the latest ridiculously over-complicated Microsoft system update; UN peace officials concluded that by placing the company in charge of producing the traditionally simple weapon, modern combat would be quickly rendered impossible by the ever-changing updates, constant re-positioning of control functions and subsequent confusion in operation, and claimed, in an official press release, 'Millions of lives will be saved.'

Diego Embargo representing the UN peace delegation investigating the need for a world bilateral integrated universal 2016 peace strategy ratified by joint NATO commissions, commented, 'Microsoft are mad. They are perfect for guns. No one will even be able to reload. When they do they will just glare at their rifles shouting, "Where have the bullets gone? Where have the bullets gone? I have eighteen 'virtual magazines' all named, 'My bullets.' Why? Why? Why? Why don't all the bullets just automatically go to one file marked 'bullets'?" Millions of lives will be saved, The owners will be secretly disarmed by a tsunami of entirely needless but increasingly-complex operating systems plus extremely expensive apps not to mention useless 'upgrades' which will randomly change the position of certain critical controls, making the completion of even simple tasks infuriatingly complicated and, of course, potentially suicidal. Even if they can reload, when they try to fire their bullets will shoot out of the rifle's butt, or in their faces, or in their 'Recycle Bin' before they realise the trigger has been replaced with the 'backspace' button. War, as we know it, will be eradicated within two years. Either that or the combatants will die from frustration when the gun-sights erratically keep shifting focus and switching from portrait to landscape or they can't remember the name of their first pet after they've entered their password three times incorrectly because the gun's 'new' readout app now only shows blobs instead of letters and the cursor is jumping about like a cat with a firework up its arse because its sensitivity is 'nonadjustable.'

Bill Gates was unavailable for comment as he had been locked out of his personal Hotmail account for 24 hours after accidentally repeat applying for a 'one time only' account reactivation code when his new 'super sensitivity' Microsoft touchscreen Phone App TM malfunctioned in his pocket. Professor Farquar Fardfarqauarkle, overseeing Microsoft's 'Overt Complexity Division' and inventor of the revolutionary useless TV standby switch when working at Panasonic in the 80's, babbled senselessly on behalf of his boss, "If our plans for unnecessary confusion implementation develop into full-spectrum fruition, identical inverted-intuitive, counter-real-time, real-thought, anti-practical-outlook, deep psychological reprogramming, system approaches could be introduced to all weapons systems universally making global high inter-fushional coherence vector resonance a conceivable certainty. Simple."

Microsoft Offices: 'for technical reasons' IT system was 'down'

However, he was unable to clarify these remarks for the benefit of the man in the street because his computer promptly crashed due to a virus caught downloading a driver for his latest 'Windows Home-Hub Device Control Utility Service System Multi-Pack 6000.64b App Extension TM' necessary for him to watch YouTube videos in his kitchen and his living room while changing the temperature controls on his fridge, his barbecue, his bath, and his smart car. Fortunately he managed to borrow a fax machine in the dry cleaners situated across the road from plush Microsoft central offices in downtown LA where, 'for technical reasons' the entire IT system was 'down.' The fax read, "Basically we would implant a weaponised version of Windows Media Player into everything from an F-14, to a aircraft carrier, to a nuclear missile silo, to an air-rifle. Then - Boom! or not in this case. Get it? Total lock down. Nobody will be able to fire anything. or M.A.D. as we at Microsoft have termed it: Microsoft, Assured, Deterrent.TM'