David Coulthard's dozen strong team all have their own slots
Over-Presenting Claims Denied By All Twelve C4 F1 Presenters

Claims of over-presenting have been flatly denied by all twelve presenters working on Channel 4's new F1 show. The accusations came when only two minutes of actual race footage from last Sundays' Bahrain Grand Prix was shown during a three hour broadcast because David Coulthard's hand-picked, dozen-strong team all had their own twenty minute 'slots' featuring them mincing round in the pits showing off their ridiculous clothes, haircuts and accents to their friends, relatives and husbands while the others were crowed into the commentary box constantly treading on each other's toes and talking the usual 'tyred-and-tested' F1 bollocks over one another.

Murray Walker, 180 year old legendary racing tortoise, brought back from the dead and kept going on a life-support system system so he could interview Jenson Button for the show, rambled, 'You can never have too many presenters. Even when three of them are James Hunt! or was that Nigel Mansel?' before slipping back into a comma.

Susie Wolfe, the racing man's bit of fluff, who denied she got the job become she was married to Mercedes F1 boss Otto Wolfe, also denied, 'There aren't too many of us. There are just the right amount. Twelve is a round number and I'm sure we'll all get along. That is, when we can find an aircraft hanger big enough for us to meet.'

Steve Jones, C4's sexy Welsh anchor, necessary to bring in the 'idiot youth, phone-buying market' essential for advertising during the show, denied, 'All twelve of us a right to deny this deluge of claims which have been hugely blown out of all proportion by absolutely everyone in the mass media.'

Successful racing driver Mark Webber, and, judging by their behaviour last Sunday, David Coulthard's old boyfriend, beamed wistfully, 'If anything there aren't enough of us. I love crowds. Just as long as I'm the one who spends the most time with David.'

Unsuccessful racing driver Karun Chandhok spluttered like one of his unsuccessful racing cars, 'Thirteen would be unlucky and I'm bored of being unlucky. I'm sure that my boss David Coulthard who pays my extortionate wages has hand-picked exactly the right amount of us.'

Lee McKenzie and Ben Edwards, BBC leftovers from last year's defunked F1 team joined in the denying, 'It's great to be part of such a large family. Last weekend there are more of us in the commentary team than spectators in the main stadium. Which was nice.'

The rest of the team including; Alain Prost; Ex F1 world champion; Nicholas Hamilton; current world champion Lewis Hamilton 's brother; Alex Zinardi; disabled racing driver from the past and Bruno Senna; Aryton Senna's cousin, able-bodied racing driver from the future along with; Jayton Palmer; son of semi-successful racing driver but more successful doctor; Dr Johnathan Palmer and last but not least; Eddie Jordon, who is not related to anyone, can't drive a potato and had to escape from a maximum security psychiatric hospital to be on the show, all chimed as one on a conference call so complex it took three years to organise, 'Now we have strength in numbers those nasty commentators from Sky won't be able to push us around anymore!'

David Coulthard, owner of Whisper Films the company supplying C4's extensively populated F1 coverage, modestly denied, 'No. I am right again. Twelve presenters is the perfect number and I'm sure that Murray, Susie, Steve, Mark, Karun, Lee, Ben, Alain, Nicholas, Alex, Bruno, Jolyon, Eddie and, of course more importantly, myself will get on like an enormous Scottish castle on fire the moment we can all find each other.'

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