|Alan Al Qaeda makes Johnny Jihad look like schoolgirl|
MI5 bosses experiencing a sharp slump in alarm rates over Johnny Jihad have revealed the latest terror threat to the UK and wider world: Alan Al Qaeda. MI5 became concerned about the perceived threat that Mr Jihad posed after Radio 4 broke the record for mentioning the term 'Jihad' in one day, Tuesday March 4th (previously held by CNN in the build up to the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003), and UK terror rates did not even reach severe.
Mark Daftbrush, MI5 head of terror development, muttered, 'Alan Al Qaeda will make Johnny Jihad look like schoolgirl with pigtails sucking a lollipop and riding a bike with ribbons coming out of the end of the handlebars. Mr Jihad is what we at GCHQ call an absent threat as, although he's got a Mockney accent and sounds like he's from a sink estate in the Southeast, he's actually thousands of miles away. Well, at least that's what we tell people. Alan Al Qaeda, on the other hand, lives somewhere in England where he works as a builder and instead of chopping infidel's heads off with a sword he kills them with his nail gun on his lunch break. Well, at least that's what we tell people. This is perfect for our terror plans as now everyone will think they could die at any moment and will call the police every time they see someone in a hi-viz with a beard and a toolbox. Now I think we can safely say, without any doubt, we will see the end of this unfortunate rise in terror fatigue.'
As usual Radio 4 are coordinating their own programming with that of MI5 and plan to mention the word Al Qaeda over 20,000 times next Monday (9th March) featuring fundamentalist Islamic terrorism in all news items, Woman's Hour, which will be read in Burkas and the Shipping Forecast which will be broadcast live form the Straights of Hormuz. Brain of Britain which will be changed to Brain of Bahrain with the contestants made up of radicalised fundamentalist extremists and Just A Minute will be introduced by Salman Rushdie and feature two bomb disposal teams diffusing a suspicious package left by the contestants of Brain of Bahrain.
Mr Daftbrush was keen to add, 'UK citizens need not worry about a possible future fall in terror as we have several more seemingly mental Muslims in the counter intelligence pipeline. When Alan Al Qaeda, or 'You Can Call Me Al Qaeda' as we like to call him here at the station, stops making everyone shit themselves then we have Tommy Taliban, Harry Hezbollah and Freddy Fundamentalist bearded up and ready to go. Then when we need to get rid of some homegrown terrorists, which is what we at the station like to call YOU, then we have Extremist Eric who is basically anyone who doesn't believe this total bollocks.'