The Stuffing 'Em Post: Bad Science

Beard epidemic: terrifying consequences

UK Beard Epidemic Reveals Troubling Rise In 'Group Think'

No one wants to feel left out. So it comes as no surprise that most people will do their utmost to keep up with all the latest trends. Perfectly natural behaviour of course but there is a fine line between following fashion and being its slave. According to the results of a new survey into viral culture and herd mentality, published by world famous anthropologist Professor Malthius, the current beard epidemic sweeping the UK reveals a troubling rise in fashion's more aggressive big brother 'Group Think.'

Professor Malthius was keen to explain the significance of his findings pacing about his laboratory and waving his hands about, 'For some reason Group Think is seen as a good thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Average IQ, when compromised by group dynamics or peer pressure, drops by sixty points. Einstein had an IQ of 150. Meaning that a gang of Einsteins would have had an IQ of 90 and resembled a village idiots convention. As no one in their right mind would normally want to walk down the road looking like King Edward VII we can only conclude that this explosion of beard ownership shows a massive rise in 'Group Think' and the subsequent disturbing fall in mass intellect.'

The UK beard epidemic is thought to have started eighteen months ago on the same week men's trousers, which had been descending and becoming baggier for years, finally started to climb back up and tighten. Now, only a year and a half later, one in four previously clean shaven men are wearing a face rug and their trousers are so tight that the veins can be seen bulging on their testicles.

Profesor Malthius scribbled some equations on a blackboard and clutched his head in his hands gasping, 'Such is the desire for people to be included that I fear they will do anything not to feel left out. However irrational. This worrying trend in herd mentality has terrifying consequences for the future of mankind. For example; if a totalitarian regime was attempting to take over the world whilst committing a series of heinous crimes on its own people, and those of many other countries; such as false flag attacks, unnecessary wars, mass financial fraud and establishing a full sphere dominant military industrial complex, all they would have to do is peddle some bloke around with a beard saying everything was all right and because everyone wanted to 'fit in' they would agree. With this in mind all you have to do is walk up your high street or turn on your TV and there are enough fuzzy faced bum fluff farmers everywhere to prove that independent thinking is a thing of the past. Let's face it, in anthropological terms, we're fucked.'