Sport Crime

Olympics: 'The good old days' Ben Johnson on drugs.
Olympic Drug Ban Causes Huge Ratings Plunge

New figures have been released suggesting that the Olympic ban on drugs has caused a huge plunge in ratings. Viewing figures for Rio 2016 are at an all time low, not seen since 1936 when the Nazis held the games in Germany and only twenty people on earth owned a television. It is suspected that the international viewing public has become disillusioned with normal athletics and is now only interested in watching people running and jumping about when they are washed up celebrities appearing on reality TV and they can vote them off the show.

Sports Psychologist Rory 'The Smoking Rock' Wrexham, a reformed performance-enhancing, drug-abusing bridge player, agreed with this assessment and lamented, 'Its sad but true. Remember the good old days of the Olympics when Ben Johnson's eyes were as blood shot as a used sanitary towel but 'Pow!' he was as fast as a Japanese train with British brakes? And what about Olga Korbut? Everyone knew she was as off her tits as Keith Richards on his birthday but - Holy Shit! - she could ride those parallel bars like deranged orangutan on crystal meth. Brilliant! But seriously, people these days have watched too much TV and, as such, are obsessed with story-line. For years the only risky story-line in sport was drugs. In the same way that Star Wars would be boring without Darth Vader, without the Romanian women sprinting around the track like Harley Davidsons doing wheelies and the Russian weightlifters chucking the dumbbells around like gorillas discarding unwanted cotton buds, the Olympics is all a bit dull.'

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Video for Olympic Ratings Plunge
4 Aug 2016
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