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| DWP Picture actually shows wages for day and half shift |
The government has announced post Brexit financial conditions will force the minimum wage back to one piece of bread and cheese per day, in line with Victorian pay rates. Ministers said that the cuts, which will be known as the 'new meal deal', were unavoidable but suggested that there was a silver lining around the cloud as share holders and owners of the top FTSE companies would see an increase in profits.
Timothy Cockstop a London cab driver who voted to leave the EU ranted, "That's what we voted for ain't it - to get rid of facking foreigners. And at least it'll be propa British cheese. Not that facking gooey Euro shite! An' it'll be facking propa English bread: white and sliced, Not a pouncing French stick or a sodding aux d'facking choco la dee'pouncing dah. Anyway way, I'm sorted for dosh ain't I. Peeling all the foreigners who get in the cab. Yus my son. This job'd be nightmare without facking foreigners."
Mohammed Khan, 44 from Tilsbury, a Tesco's 'intern' noted that one piece of bread and a piece of cheese actually represented a 200% pay rise in his salary as he was currently working for the successful multinational company for free in order to satisfy his DWP contract. Tescos' representatives are thought to be lobbying the government to make interns like Mr Khan exempt from the new minimum wage as they feel it will be irresponsible to give employees 'unrealistic aspirations.'
Maurice De Gobblebollocks, Conservative minister in charge of muting wages, guffawed, "At last those in the top FTSE companies such as my father, and indeed myself, will be unhindered by cumbersome EU regulations and able to return our pay scales to a tried and trusted Victorian level. As long as we remember to keep the pieces of bread small enough and slice the cheese extremely thin, then I'm sure the UK can, once again, compete on level playing field with our new trading partners in China."
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